Balancing In Managing Conflict and Anger

In an increasingly complex, hectic and claustrophobic world, it's very easy for conflict to arise. Rising expectations, the soaring cost of living, and increased interaction mean more stress, and consequently, shorter tempers. This can lead to a lot of conflicts at work and at home. And we all recognize that in a state of anger, one can act irrationally and irresponsibly. Such acts can cost us our relationships, career and business prospects, and rob our peace of mind.

So when we feel like our "buttons" are being pushed, what can we do to keep our composure and reflect on the bigger picture? How can we circumvent making decisions we will regret later?

You can start by avoiding email like the plague when you're in a bad mood. This means of communication is so ubiquitous these days, we often don't think about the ramifications of using it too freely. Do you remember reading a colleague's email and thinking to yourself "Oh dear, this person is going to get into a lot of trouble!" Well, we've all experienced the creeping dread one gets when we clicked onto the "Reply To All" button without thinking. So the next time you feel like venting using email, don't. Whining to a colleague or railing at an associate is one thing, but once that email goes out, there's nothing you can do to retract it.

Pepper your replies with the phrase, "I understand". Sometimes you may feel you're being insincere because what you're feeling is anything but "understanding". But it helps to soften the edges significantly; you come across as calm and sympathetic, and the other party feels more obliged to work with you to solve the problem.

Some people find enjoyment on pushing others' "hot buttons". These people love ruffling people's feathers for the heck of it. The objective is to make you lose your cool so you say or do something foolish and irrational So do observe yourself when you feel threatened by what someone is saying to you. Resist the temptation to be defensive or to "shut down" the other person's communication. If you feel that someone is purposely trying to agitate you, calmly let the person know that you will not take part in this debate now, perhaps you can talk later, and walk away from the situation. Do not go or step into it.

We spend so much time with our co-workers, it's inevitable that dissent will occur. If you're unhappy with something, let the other person know in a calm and polite manner. Don't keep silent and allow the grudge to fester, or worse, vent your frustrations in other ways like ignoring the person or intentionally sabotaging him.

Managing conflict and anger is a delicate thing. Sometimes you feel like you're in the middle of an arid field perpetually in danger of being set alight by the unrelenting sun. Join me in the next programme when we'll talk about more ways of managing conflict and anger.

Spark Your Creative Flame

Creativity can be priceless, especially in this day and age when competition is so keen and practically everyone has some form of decent education. Creativity can set you apart from others, make you all the more valuable because you're able to contribute new and interesting ideas. Anyone can create a PowerPoint presentation, but what will make your pitch stand out from the rest?

Sure, you've had your sparks of brilliance, but how can you maintain a healthy store of creativity so that you're consistently performing at your peak?

First of all, you have to be very clear about what you're passionate about. Create and work on your mission statement. Let your principles guide you in almost everything you do. Knowing what your passion is gives you focus; it helps you decide when to say "Yes" and when to say "No". It cuts through the pandemonium of thoughts to light up which ideas work best for you.

Next, you must develop a system or technique of catching your ideas. So many thoughts pass our minds each day; how many good or potentially great ideas have you lost simply because you didn't have a way of recording them? Carry a note book everywhere you go, or use an audio recorder, or a PDA. Pen your ideas down, no matter how banal or silly they may seem at the time. When your creative well is dry, you can pull these out, throw them into the pot, give them a good stir and see what comes up! Many great ideas come from combining a few common things.

You can also keep your creative flame burning brightly by regularly engaging in creative "rituals". These are activities that massage or incite your creative energy. You must find out what works for you, but for me personally, I love going for a short walk, seeing the greens, starting off-the-wall conversations with friends to see what comes out of them, or forcing myself to laugh. The idea is to do something that knocks you off the pattern of ordinary life, that challenges you to come up with the most ridiculous, impossible things you can imagine!

And always do more than you're expected to do! If you're asked to come up with 3 names, think of 7! If you're asked for 5 designs, come up with 10! If you're asked for 2 alternate versions, give them 6! This practice trains your mind to always seek out more ideas, more solutions, more ways of doing something. Over time, your mind will be able to spontaneously spit out great ideas!

Margins Of Life

When I was in my Primary years, my form teacher had taught me to always draw a one-centimeter margin on the right hand side of my exercise book. It dawned on me why the need of margins as it occupies space. With this space, I could have written more letters and numbers, saved more paper and made my exercise book last longer. I felt that this rule was silly though I reluctantly drew them anyway.

Coming to the present day… I was cleaning up my house when I chanced upon my primary school exercise book. I took it up and could not help but smile as I turned those pages of yore. Within this book, it had something special that made me treasured it till now. It was those silly margins. Encouraging words like, “"I am happy that your ambition is to become an engineer", "Interesting narration of a chocolate-box life? love your ideas of giving birth to little baby geese from golden eggs", "you have a good heart in helping blind people by donating your pocket money - keep it up", will be filled up by the margins by my form teacher. She would draw a star, a sad face, a smiley to relate her feeling or just a simple tick to show her reaction and acknowledge to my statement. I also find out that a few pages were marginless; there were no remarks or comments. I wish I had drawn them at that time.

I finally understood my form teacher golden rule of drawing margins. Just as I had drawn margins for her to pen remarks that I so fondly cherish, I should also draw margins in life's hectic schedule so that I can savour the process of my work. I have learned a thing or two about drawing margins in life:

Give allowance of time. Plan well to give time for tight schedules and aim to arrive early by 15 minutes or more for all activities. Much often, stress is created by my ambition to squeeze too much activity into a limited time.

Set time for things that matter. Offer myself time to enjoy my hobbies, time to spend with my loved ones, time to go on a vacation and time to play my favourite sports.

Give time for little things. Give some time talking to a child, pouring myself a good cup of coffee, comforting someone, cleaning the toilet, learning to cook Tom Yam from Mommy, helping the blind person to cross the road, marvelling at the sunset, or just watching the street busker performing.

I assumed that drawing those silly margins was a waste of space and was worried that my exercise book would not last the whole year. The fact was, the margins turned out to be the highlight of my book and by the end of the year the book was only 75% filled. And yes, I had worried for nothing. The value of the exercise book is not measured by its length; it is worth by its content. Likewise, time is not calculated by seconds; it is worth and valued by the moments. I shall continue to create such moments by drawing those margins in my life!

The Power of Choice In Life

Harry Browne, the 2000 Libertarian Party candidate for U. S. President said this before, "You don't have to buy from anyone; don't have to work at any particular job; don't have to participate in any given relationship. You can choose."

Do you know that we all have the power of Choice? The power of choice is awesome and amazing. It's all about freedom - the freedom to pick one thing over another. However, are you choosing what you want from life?

"Oh no," some people said. "I can't as... I wasn’t educated. ...my family needs me. ...I don't have enough funds....I need more time." What's your reason?

The truth is, we do have choice in every single moment of our lives. For those who are destitute or disabled, the choices in life are fewer. But the rest of us often think we don't have freedom when we simply haven't claimed our power to choose differently.

How do you derive on your thought process? Do you do so because of:

• "Shoulds" - doing what you believe you should do.
• Pleasing others - doing what others want or expect you of or to do.
• Fear - choosing the safe and secure route.
• Habit and reaction - you don't even think about what you're doing - you've always done it this way, and it comes so naturally that you don't even think about why you do it.

You need the clarity to do what you want. Put a purpose and objective to it. Question yourself by asking like "Why am I doing this? What do I want to realize from it?" Pen your answers. Many a precious brilliant idea has been lost because it was forgotten. Be more conscious of how you are spending your time, because this is your life passing by. Never let yourself to be the victim. You need to take personal responsibility for your life. When you fully accept this, you will assert your inner power to make better choices. Be open and receptive to possibilities for yourself. Choose one aspect of your life where you are unsatisfied, and choose something new, something more for yourself. Dare to do different things and do things differently! Risk more!

Empowerment comes from the three Cs: choice, courage and change. They are yours to take it. You have the opportunity to create a future that's very different from your past. Also, remember that not choosing is also a choice.

Embrace Your True Self (Part 2 of 2)

In our path towards self-love, self-reliance is very important. Many people, in particular, women sacrifice that in order to be, in their opinion, better mothers or wives. But not being independent ultimately opens you up to attacks and the risk of ending up helpless and alone. And many of us rely on others to give us fulfillment and validation. Would you still be happy if you were alone? Would you still believe in yourself if nobody thought you were capable of success?

Ask yourself if you are happy depending on others to make you happy. If not, make a list of goals to achieve a sense of self-validation and independence. The first thing on your list should be to accept personal responsibilities. Living your life always allowing others to make things happen for you or to make your life better puts you at the mercy of others later in life. Even within a relationship, try your best to even things out. Rewards today may turn into reproach and resentment as the years wear on.

Buddhists and Hindus believe that there is a force that works kind of like a boomerang. What you give, you will receive back. Well, whether you believe in karma or not, there's no denying that doing good feels good and doing evil ultimately corrupts the soul. So refocus your life to doing good whenever you can.

And finally, work on a protective shield around yourself. This shield allows you to evaluate any stimuli, whether it's a verbal attack or action, from a rational standpoint. It helps you skip the initial stage where most people react personally and emotionally. It creates an automatic "cooling-off" period, if you will, time for the attack to bounce off and dissipate, time for you to recharge yourself with love and reason, time for the mood to change from one of anger and resentment to one of peace.

Here’s an example. Let's say you are doing your own work minding your own business and your partner starts chiding you for something you find very inconsequential. You'll feel the instinct to react, but don't. Imagine this invisible shield all around you filled with love and protection. When things have calmed down, you'll both realize that ultimately you both love each other and it would be a pity to allow petty scuffles to strain the relationship.

The bottom line is, in order to be true to yourself, you must find time to reboot your life to become the happy, well-adjusted person lying dormant inside of you. By taking that positive step towards finding the self-love you deserve, you open yourself to happiness and self-fulfillment and become the person you ultimately want to be!

Embrace Your True Self (Part 1 of 2)

What is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your loved ones? It is to practice self-love. Loving and respecting yourself more than anyone else is important because if you're not happy, successful, life-affirming and healthy, you're not much use to anyone.

Some people always put others before them, and this is a very natural thing to them; they're genuinely selfless and sympathetic. However, they might forget who they are and lose themselves in the process. They begin to get depressed, lose focus and ambition and ponder what happened to their life to make them journey to this point. The answer is simple - they let their obligations and responsibilities get in the way of fulfilling their life's destiny and, in short, they lost themselves to others.

Therefore, how does one who has become lost be found again?

Nobody was born disliking how they looked. As infants and young children, we were naturally self-loving. But we were taught to become insecure about our appearance as we grew up. So, reclaim that birthright. Fall in love with yourself all over again. See what you can do to enhance your appearance. We all can look better by paying more attention to our wardrobe, grooming, fitness and how we carry ourselves, instead of going through cosmetic surgery or crash course in dieting. Vanity can be healthy if the person you're trying to impress is none other than yourself.

Now that you've worked on the outside, it's time to work on the inside. What is stopping you presently? What will set you free?

There are millions of people running around on autopilot - finding themselves consumed by everyday life and the expectations of others that they've forgotten to care about the most important person in their lives - themselves.

If we continue to neglect ourselves, what's going to happen (and that's already affecting thousands of elderly people today) is that we're going to eventually find ourselves in a place of sadness and loneliness. Because in all our running around and tending to everybody's wishes and needs, we allowed our own problems and dissatisfactions to simmer and fester. How do we do everything for everybody and for ourselves, too? We can't. We have to accept that fact. There will be times that you will not present for someone because a part of you needs your love and time. And that's ok. You have to help yourself too, you know.

Value Adding Your Income

Many of us lament the state of our finances without doing anything about it. We complain about how our job just doesn't pay enough, and wonder why we aren't wealthier.

Well, we all know money isn't everything; it certainly isn't the most important thing in life, but we have to accept that we live in a materialistic world. And we require money to provide for our loved ones. So why don't you have as much money today as you desire?

First of all, you didn't think about or plan for today before it arrived. Had you been more aware, then, that you would always require money, and acted on that awareness in the past, you would be wealthier today than you are right now.

Because then, you would have purposely saved money (perhaps even by making small sacrifices over the years) or invested money (even small amounts) and would therefore have more money today.

Make a list of your expenses for one month and you'll quickly discover how many unnecessary things you buy and how much you could therefore set-aside for tomorrow. If you want to free yourself from financial worries, then start putting a portion of your money into a special account. Now that's a simple formula that unfortunately many people just can't seem to put into practice.

If the job you have now isn't bringing in enough money and isn't giving you the satisfaction you need to enjoy it, consider changing jobs. You might have heard this quote, "Do what you love and the money will follow."

You might also think of finding an extra job. Perhaps your primary job gives you great satisfaction, but doesn't yet provide a sufficient income. Taking a second job may offer a better solution than changing jobs. Consider the consequences though; working two jobs will translate lesser time for everything else and added pressure. Ask yourself if the increase in income is worth the additional taxes you'll pay, the extra time that you will have to spend, and so on.

Perhaps, you could be more efficient in your present job. Come out with ways that you can save time and money. Find your bottlenecks and fix them. Utilise the Paret Principle which states that 80 percent of your income comes from 20 percent of the work done. Concentrate more on effective tasks and less on auxiliary ones that don't bring in money.

As time progresses, you will be noticed - if not by your superiors at work and business associates or partners, then by others. There are always plenty of job openings for a worker who is conscientious and an expert in his or her field.