The Way To Happiness

It's been told that happiness is a journey, not a destination. Then again, many of us make the mistake of denying ourselves joy until something happens - until we get a promotion, until we get our dream house, until we clinch that million-dollar contract.

Happiness can be elusive, but if we follow these simple steps, we may yet attain it faster and with less strife than we think.

Are you overwhelmed by a sense of dread when you try something new every time? Positive and spirited people focus on what is possible rather than dwell on the chances for failure. They look at the brighter side and find humour even in sticky situations.

This also extends to inner judgements. Minimise being self-critical, when we need to practice a little kindness towards ourselves. Take note of your own thoughts - what do you tell yourself about how you are handling things? Perhaps you did make a mistake, but you were exhausted.

Do you complete one task only to rush on to the next? Similarly you may meet challenges of a more personal nature, such as having a difficult conversation with a loved one, without acknowledging your own effort. It's important to absorb the satisfaction from your achievements.

Some people believe the world owes them - and they are entitled to "the good life" and all its benefits. They become bitter when setbacks happen and tangible rewards stay out of reach.

We need to ask ourselves - what can I offer to other people? What can I contribute to my family, my community or the world at large that is align with my skills and abilities? Sarah Bernhardt, a flamboyant French actress in the late 1800s showed uncommon wisdom when she mentioned, "It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich."

Recognizing our life values, determining how we want to achieve them and taking steps to act on them is self-empowering and fulfilling. When you able to understand that you are doing what is most important to you, your happiness level shoots right up.

No one likes feeling wedged. It is essential to know what you really want and then take some action towards it. Even if progress is slow, do not be disheartened as you will feel better going in the right direction.

No matter how stressed you are, take a break from your routine to admire the simple things around you or share coffee with a friend. It is the moments which make us happiest - yet so many of them slip by unnoticed.

Dealing With Disappointments

Someone once mentioned, "No appointments, no disappointments."

We experience these somewhat similar emotions when we have created expectations relating what we will receive from others, life or even from ourselves. We might also feel such emotions relating our own abilities or efforts when we are unable to achieve the goals we desire.

We feel this way when things do not go the way we expected, or more often, when others are not who we expected them to be. We form expectations, and then feel cheated when we they are not fulfilled.

When we succumb to such feelings, we often give up making any further effort, which in turn hampers our growth. In order to manage disappointment, we have to first understand that we are all in a process of evolution and that no one is perfect. It is irrational to expect or demand perfection from ourselves or others. We would not be here in this evolutionary process if we did not have much to progress.

Have faith in the flow of life. There is a wisdom greater than ours. Something drives the turtle to return to their birthplace to lay eggs upriver. Something unfurls the flowers at dawn and closes them in the evening. Something makes the penguins to go out and come back fish for his/her mate. We don't yet fully understand what that something is, but there's no denying it's there. So instead of demanding results at once, we need to learn that change, manifestation and creation are usually slow organic processes.

Now this is challenging to do when faced with disappointment - having confidence that with patience, practice and perseverance, we can manifest the changes we seek. But it's crucial that we develop greater trust in our ability to manifest our goals and life purpose with or without the help of specific persons.

See how you can attain greater self-sufficiency. When we are independent, we need less from others and will expect less from them too. What are the voids in your life you now require others to fill? How can you work towards in filling them yourself?

Pebbles Equals Diamonds

One night a group of nomads were preparing to retire for the evening when suddenly they were surrounded by a great light. They knew they were in the presence of a celestial being. With great anticipation, they awaited a heavenly message of great importance that they knew must be especially for them.

Finally, the voice spoke, "Gather as many pebbles as you can. Put them in your saddle bags. Travel a day's journey and tomorrow night will find you glad and it will find you sad."

After having departed, the nomads shared their disappointment and anger with each other. They had expected the revelation of a great universal truth that would enable them to create wealth, health and purpose for the world. But instead they were given a menial task that made no sense to them at all. However, the memory of the brilliance of their visitor caused each one to pick up a few pebbles and deposit them in their saddle bags while voicing their displeasure.

They traveled a day's journey and that night while making camp, they reached into their saddle bags and discovered every pebble they had gathered had become a diamond. They were glad they had diamonds. They were sad they had not gathered more pebbles.

That story was featured in an article written by John Wayne Schlatter, from the book "A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul".

Every experience, whether small, overwhelming, joyful, or upsetting, is a pebble we find on the road. If we leave it there on the road and glean nothing from it, then we will end up with an empty bag at the end of our journey.

However, if we begin to cherish and appreciate every pebble, learn something from it, and keep it in our bags, we will finish our journey with a bag full of diamonds.

The irony of the story is in the arcane message delivered by the mysterious voice, supposedly the voice of God. Understanding fully the nature of Man - which is to be suspecting and lazy - he knew from the beginning that the nomads would finish their journey both glad and sad.

Not one of them was faithful or industrious enough to follow the instructions properly, and so they all ended up regretful that they had not gathered more pebbles.

Treat every experience in life like a pebble that will yield a diamond in the future. In this way, you'll ensure that you constantly develop and grow, as well as accumulated a wealth of knowledge to enrich you in the years ahead.

Story taken from "A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul" edited by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Practise in Self Belief

To achieve any goal in life, you must believe you are going to be successful. This conviction gives you the strength and resilience needed to achieve your objective. It also helps you to actively seek and recognise opportunities and stepping stones.

So how can you develop a powerful sense of self-belief?

Before you begin any endeavour, you should be confident that the end result is possible. Don't focus on whether it's been done before or not. Don't listen to others who might be feeding you with negative thoughts. Be clear in your own mind that the goal can be achieved.

More crucially, believe that the end result is possible by you. We often hold limiting beliefs about our own ability to achieve goals. We may believe the goal is possible, but we often don't think it's possible for us to achieve it. So identify those beliefs that are holding you back and take time to address them.

Now that you know you can achieve your objective, how much do you want it? The more we want to achieve a goal, the bigger the hurdles we'll jump over to get there. So choose a goal you really want; take the time to ask yourself why you want it and how badly you want it. What are the values underlying that goal? Is it a desire to help people? A yearning to be your own boss? Or is it to do something that allows you to spend more time with your children?

Next you have to believe that you deserve the end result. Hidden under the surface in many people is a belief that they do not deserve to succeed. Because of some deep-rooted experience that caused their self-esteem to decline, these people often choose to remain where they are, or even slide, because they feel that they are not worthy of success and happiness. When they try to take action, this belief restricts them, they lose motivation, and fail. But always remember that if you work consistently toward your goal, you deserve all the success you get.

Also, achieving your goal should not contradict any other beliefs or values you have. For example, if you believe strongly that rich people are greedy, you'll probably not be motivated enough to build a successful business. Try aligning your goals with your values. An entrepreneur perhaps could work towards making a lot of money so that he can use part of that money to help the needy.

Believing in yourself and your ability to achieve your goals is the first step towards building a better future for yourself.

Stop Complaining

We all know that life wasn’t meant to go your way all the time. This state of uncertainity is designed to help us grow into the kind of human beings we can be, to help us understand how we fit into the larger scheme of things, and to prevent our minds and bodies from declining in a state of inertia.

So, in many ways, disappointment is an indispensable part of life. Without it, we would become complacent and slothful, success and love wouldn’t fill our hearts with as much joy, and there would be no push towards improving ourselves.

However, when circumstances take twists and turns we can't predict, we often feel discouraged. And we feel the need to complain. Some people feel it’s a right. The so-called logic is “If the world is treating me unkindly, why shouldn’t I make some noise about it?”

Well, the “noise” may release some tension initially, but complaining doesn’t solve anything. Besides, it conditions a negative mindset. It forces us to unwittingly dwell on what's wrong in our lives instead of focusing on what we can change or do to make things right. When complaining becomes a part of you, you’re inviting a lot of negative energy into your life.

When something goes differently than we had planned or when something that's difficult pops up unexpectedly, we should allow ourselves to feel the confusion, anger, or whatever other emotion comes along as a result.

But once you have vented, stop yourself from dwelling on the thing that caused the negative emotion. Quit complaining. When you complain, you tell several people over and over about what went wrong. Your mind is hooked onto the horrible thing. You bring others and yourself down by your complaining. You become stuck in your own whiny, nagging slime.

So, after venting, allow yourself to pick up the pieces and see where you can proceed from where you are. What can you do to make things better? How can you respond so that achieving your main priority is still your focus? Think about things that have turn out right in your life. Appreciate what you have been able to achieve so far and give credit to it.

By asking yourself questions and recollecting past positive moments, your mind accepts what has just happened and moves on to what will happen next. It uses the lessons you just learned as corrective feedback to help you stay on track with your goal or to help you determine a new one with a focus.

So go ahead and let it out, but quit complaining. You will be in a much better position to handle things when they don't go your way.

Love Need Not To Be Bartered

You usually do what you're told or asked to, even when you really don't want to do it. You hold your grudges inside, but because you feel mistreated, you grumble, complain and have frequent bursts of anger. You feel suppressed, but just can't seem to say "no".

Does that sound like you?

If you're consistently suppressing your desires to accommodate other people's needs, even it makes you really unhappy, perhaps you need a shift in self-perspective.

You probably feel that if you don't give in to others' requests or demands, that people will not love or accept you anymore. You believe that their "love" for you is based exclusively on the pre-requisite that you comply with their every wish.

People trapped in such relationships can't seem to refuse the requests of family members or friends. And their family members and friends have become so used to seeing them in the submissive role that they often think that's what makes them happy, so they leave them to it. These people also get feelings of self-worth from being the "victim", the "martyr", or the one who has to give up their own needs to accommodate the desires of the people he loves. This is a false line of reasoning that he has permitted himself to believe.

But your family members and friends will just as easily love you even if you can't give in to their desires. Love does not require that you hide your true self and happiness. Love does not need you to be unfair about your real feelings.

True freedom is found in giving out and sharing of love and not out of fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving in exchange for others' acceptance and approval

No one can respond to what others ask of them all the time. And you are just as worthy of love even when you can't accommodate the needs of others.

Is it time that you allowed others to be responsible for their own reality? And for you to be responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment?

Managing Negativity

Our lives these days are filled with negativity - terrorism, disease, natural disasters, war. The messages we receive on a daily basis mostly aim to induce a feeling of dissatisfaction, envy or fear. As life gets more stressful, we encounter more negativity from our family, friends and co-workers.

How we deal with this information is up to us. We can either absorb it all and allow it to negatively dominate our thoughts, emotions, attitudes and our day-to-day lives. Or we can view these events as an unfortunate but unavoidable part of our existence and concentrate on those things we can do something about - such as our own personal lives and how we can positively influence ourselves and those around us.

The more we focus on the "bad" or negative things around us, the more our thoughts and behaviour work towards an undesirable outcome. But if we change our focus to the good things of life - the positives - there is an above average chance that things will get much better. Negatives fill our emotional bucket quickly and before we know it, they are spilling all over ourselves and those around us. Isn't it far more logical to fill our bucket with positives? The people around us are sure to be much more receptive to any spillage the might occur.

If your optimism is taking a beating, try saving some time for yourself and writing down the good things in your life - the things you enjoy and appreciate. Start with the fact that you even woke up this morning, then go from there. No matter how bad your situation is, if you try just a little you'll have plenty of items on our list. Keep the list handy and add to it as you think of other things. There will always be days when your list will come in handy to give you a pick-me-up.

Be selective about what you read, watch on TV, hear on the radio and the music you listen to. Think about the information your mind is absorbing and determine whether it's really good for you. Be selective with your friends and pay attention to the conversations you are having. Is the relationship - or the conversation - based on negative words and feelings? Would you be better off changing the subject - or finding someone different to spend your time with?

And watch your "self talk". This is the imaginary conversations we have with ourselves and others, especially when there are potential conflicts on the horizon. Stop "badmouthing" the people in your life and stop "badmouthing" yourself! Every time we do that, we are reinforcing to ourselves just how miserable the world is and how unfortunate we are.

Effective Listening (Part 2)

Today, let's continue to talk about how you can improve your listening skills, thus making you a more powerful communicator.

Ask a question, then keep your mouth shut. This sounds so simple, but in practice, it's one of the hardest things about being a good listener. You will feel the desire to butt into the conversation at many points, but don't. However, if there are parts of the message you don't understand, ask for clarification. Think of yourself as an interviewer. Think Barbara Walters perhaps; she's excellent at listening and questioning.

Here are some tips for asking effective questions, beginning with the cardinal rule?

Ask open-ended questions. Questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no". Such as "How could we do this?" or "What do you think?" Your objective is to get the other person to talk as much as possible.

You might think "Why" is a good question to ask. It's certainly open-ended, and probes for reasons and motivations. But "why" can be intimidating. It puts people on the defensive. So don't ask "why"? Ask "How come?"

Very often, a lot of useful information can be gleaned from imaginary scenarios. Ask "What if?". Start with plausible scenarios, then as you get better at questioning, try slightly more incredible ones. If you're skilful enough, seemingly preposterous scenarios can elicit the most truthful responses, or give you deeper insight into the person's psyche.

Make the other person feel comfortable by demonstrating you care about their feelings and understand where they're coming from. Offer alternatives - "Which way would you prefer?", "How do you feel about this", and so on. And repeat back what they say. This is a great technique to prevent misunderstandings and convince that person that you really are listening.

Listening sounds like a simple thing, but it takes a lot of work and practice to really do it well. Effective listening and negotiating involves suppressing your own reflexes and responses, and creating an environment which allows the other person to express himself without feeling threatened.

Try out these listening tips. You'll begin to realise just how important listening really is in effective communication.

Effective Listening (Part 1)

To communicate effectively, effective listening is required. In fact, oftentimes, listening is more important in speaking so as to negotiate well with others. Many salespeople learn through the school of hard knocks - they make flowery presentations, only to be blown off without so much as a second thought. But if they had only let their customers tell them what their problems or needs were, they would probably be able to sell them anything.

Listening is really quite simple, yet most of us haven't mastered it. Why? I think it's probably because of the connotations of keeping silent. To many people, it implies impassivity, being lost for words, and etc. Also, it's hard keeping your mouth shut. Everyone wants to be heard. So in the cacophony of voices, nobody does. But what if you were one of the few who listened attentively to what others had to say? What valuable information would you gain?

So where do you begin if you truly want to develop your listening skills?

Firstly, nurture the desire to listen. Accept the fact that listening to others is your strength and forte. Given the chance, the other person will tell you everything you need to know. Try this out. Very soon, you'll find yourself hanging on every word that flies out of other people's mouths.

Always allow the other person do most of the talking. This is a simple sum of mathematics. Seek to listen about 70% of the time and talk 30% of the time.

Now, the theory is simple enough, but in practice, you'll find that at many points during the other party's speech, you'll feel the desire to interrupt. There will be points you disagree with and you'll think that you should speak then or forever hold your peace. That's not always true. In fact, most of the time, we regret saying the words we say. So always resist the temptation to interrupt. When you give in, all you do is disrupt the free-flowing info.

Learn to listen actively with a heart. Now this is essential, since hearing someone is vastly different from listening to someone. And people can tell the difference. Most people spend so much time regaling others with their stories that they're keenly aware when the audience is sleeping with their eyes open. And if there's something worse than not listening, it's pretending to listen. Then you've lost your prospect forever.

The art of listening is a very intricate one. It takes an expert communicator to do it well and convincingly too. I will continue to share tips on how to hone your listening skills.

Opening Up To Possibilities

When you imagine your future, do you see unlimited potential or do you see a lack of opportunities? Almost everyday, we are overrun by bad news, bleak outlooks, and people who complain about how miserable their lives are. In such a climate, it's no small task remaining upbeat and optimistic. But it is precisely that kind of positive attitude that will open your eyes to the opportunities that are always present.

Many of the circumstances appear to block us only because of the assumptions we make. In other words, if we colour our view of the world with negative energy, our behaviour towards it will appear to elicit an unfavourable response. If you look at your environment through cracked and grimy glasses, you won't see a pretty picture.

When you participate in negative dialogue, either with yourself or with others, you are setting yourself up for failure. It's almost as if there's an instinct to prove oneself right, and if you think things will turn out badly, your thoughts and action will contribute to that result. When you retreat from a world you perceive as grim, you're closing yourself off to the possibilities.

But what happens if you remain open to the possibilities? When you view the world from a perspective of unlimited potential, your attitude will shift. So will the way you engage your employees, customers, friends and family; everyone you come into contact with. You will project an image of abundance, and your drive and hope will inspire those around you. You will become a motivating force in a climate of openness and courage, a climate that gives back to you just as much, if not more, than what you gave to create it.

When we're open to possibilities, we see further and are more inclined to take risks. Risks that may not always yield the results we want, but which create more paths towards our goals. You're only a failure if you stop trying. Because opportunities for success are limitless - when one doesn't pay off the way you imagined, there's always the next, and the next. One of them will be the one to catapult you forward, and it could just be the next one.

Being open means that you have to stand confident in the realm of possibilities - no matter the competition and no matter your fear. If your entire focus is on what your competitors are doing, your attitude will be passed on to your employees, and, ultimately, your clients. But if you focus on what you do best and how to better satisfy your clients and engage with them in new and powerful ways, your results will be quite different!

Making A Difference (Throwing A Starfish Into The Sea)

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

Adapted from The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley (1907 - 1977)

Cleaning One Self: In and Out

When you feel upset, discouraged or out of control, do you feel the desire to clean? Well, I don't, but when I do try it, it often works for me. There's a deep connection between our personal environment and our innermost selves. Our senses go deep, and those same senses also feel our surroundings. So is it possible that by shifting the arrangement of our stuff we can re-arrange the molecules of our emotional lives as well?

When our homes become messy and disordered, other aspects of our lives also tend to feel stuck. A messy home reflects a distracted and cluttered mind, and it also makes it difficult to focus and think clearly. It tends to be easier to put on hold decisions that could put you back in control of your life. Somehow or rather, we give up on it. The task seems overwhelming, and the clutter is so pervasive that we can't decide where to begin.

Clutter drains your energy and erodes your spirit. Clutter makes it challenging to get things done, enjoy peace and quiet, or spend time the way you really want to. It piles onto your stress, slows you down and drains your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength. Clutter makes you lose your focus, thus making you losing your confidence and power as well.

On an energetic level, all this stuff is clouding a clear vision of self. Anything that is neglected, unwanted, or unappealing to you, will bring your energy down every time you look at it. Even a fine-looking object of great value does nothing for you or your home if you don't like it. So if you don't appreciate it, get it out of sight.

Look around you. If you could only choose three, five or even ten items to live with for the rest of your life, what would they be? When you're considering this question, ask yourself - What do they really do for you? Do they empower you? Are they inspiring you to improve yourself?

Everything that surrounds you, should be working for you in one way or another. If the things around your space are not supporting you and contributing to the positive quality of your life, it is time to do something about it!

The defeat, fatigue, and depression that you feel when you think about your clutter will start to lessen as soon as you put yourself in action. The hard part is getting started, but once you do, you will feel the effect of it.

Clutter-clearing creates space for us to discover our true path in life to define who we want to become and align our out self with the inner most self. With this new vision we can consciously decide to surround ourselves with objects and imagery that reflect and support our authentic concept of self.

Sifting Out Personal Life From Professional Life

In life, we each play many different roles. One could be a father, a son, a mentor, a student, a boss, a lover, an artist, a joker. The complex dynamics of these roles is what gives each of us our uniqueness and our value to others.

In our professional lives however, it's often prudent not to allow our personal roles and emotions to carelessly slip through. Taking your emotional baggage into the workplace is inappropriate for all the reasons you may imagine. Many organizations or companies today may tout themselves as being a "big family", yet how many of them truly tolerate workers who bring their personal frustrations or opinions into the work sphere?

So how do you sift the personal out from your workplace?

It requires distinction and discrimination. If you are having communication challenges at work, look at how you view your manager, boss or employee. Does he/she take on a role as a parent, mate or partner? Are your frustrations related to what is and is not working in your life manifested on the job? Learn to put down your troubles at the door. Focus on your contribution in your workplace to yourself, your peers and the community. This is your opportunity to commit to what you are best at doing and get paid for it based on your strengths and merits.

Examine your principles. Principles are how you live your life, about what is important to you. Choose principles that help make you what you truly are. Your personal and professional values can be the same.

As a manager or business owner, you have to know what your principles are; what the company values are, as well as the values of the people you manage. The basic rules of respect and acceptance apply. The Golden Rule is: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", not: "Do it to them before they do it to you".

People who take emotional baggage into the workplace can be temperamental, grasping and neglectful. Even more frustrating is that they throw all their pent-up, misplaced emotions on the job without consideration for others. Employees and co-workers react to this, work efforts and results go by the wayside, and profit, productivity and efficiency go down.

Leave your unexpressed feelings at bay. Have a breather if you become frustrated. Know that you are at work to achieve results.

Heal yourself first, determine your values, and then you will be a better employee, manager or business owner.