Feel Good Factor

Some of us were born with obvious talent in some area. For the rest of us though, it can be unclear exactly what we're good at. We may go through the early part of our lives feeling mediocre or even below average, because other kids seem to have innate gifts that we don't seem to possess.

Well, we're all good at something. We're not all geniuses, of course, but we're all born with, or have the ability to develop, the aptitude to do exceptionally well in some sphere. Some of us just haven't discovered it yet. Or perhaps we simply don't recognise it as a talent.

Some of us find it difficult to feel good about ourselves also because we talk negatively to ourselves. Some of us take criticism badly. Some of us are so insecure that we rarely venture beyond what we're used to. As a result, we become trapped, not daring to try anything new, yet wishing for things to become better.

Once you've convinced yourself that you're good for nothing, it can be difficult to restore a healthy sense of self-worth. But here are a few simple things you can do to help you feel better about yourself.

Remember when you were a child playing at the beach? And you built your first sandcastle? It might have looked more like the ruins of a sandcastle, but it made you feel good. There was a sense of "Hey, look what I did!".

Think of ways you can feel this way again. Look around you, at home, at work; try to discover new and more effective ways of doing things. Maybe you could re-organise your space. Put up some curtains. When someone asks for your advice on something, don't see it as an inconvenience. Share your knowledge! Assemble a shelf. Try a new recipe. Maybe even create one! Paint a picture.

You don't have to announce your accomplishment to the world. Whether people know about your achievements or not is not important. The quest for external validation is what made you feel inferior in the first place.

As you try out new things, you'll discover what you're good at, or what you have genuine talent in. It doesn't have to be a grand or revered skill. Just something that gives you a sense of achievement. Cultivate that ability, and feel the joy and passion of living returning to you.

The Old Man And His Shoe

One day an old man boarded a bus. As he was going up the steps, one of his shoes slipped off. The door closed and the bus moved off so he was unable to retrieve it. The old man calmly took off his other shoe and threw it out of the window.

A young man on the bus saw what happened, and could not help going up to the old man and asking, "I noticed what you did, sir. Why did you throw out your other shoe?"

The old man promptly replied, "So that whoever finds them will be able to use them."

The old man in the story understood a fundamental philosophy for life - do not hold on to something simply for the sake of possessing it or because you do not wish others to have it. We lose things all the time. The loss may seem to us grievous and unjust initially, but loss only happens so that positive changes can occur in our lives. We should not always assume that losing something is bad, because if things do not shift, we'll never become better people or experience better things. That's not to say of course that we only lose "bad" things; it simply means that in order for us to mature emotionally and spiritually, and for us to contribute to the world, the interchange between loss and gain is necessary.

Like the old man in the story, we have to learn to let go. The world had decided that it was time for the old man to lose his shoe. Maybe this happened to add momentum to a series of events leading to a better pair of shoes for the old man. Maybe the search for another pair of shoes would lead the old man to a great benefactor. Maybe the world decided that someone else needed the shoes more.

Whatever the reason, we can't avoid losing things. The old man understood this. One of his shoes had gone out of his reach. The remaining shoe would not have been much help to him, but it would be a cherished gift to a homeless person desperately in need of protection from the ground. Hoarding possessions does nothing to make us or the world better. We all have to decide constantly if some things or people have run their course in our lives or would be better off with others. We then have to muster the courage to give them away.

Strength in Gentleness and Kindness

A line from a song by legendary English band The Smiths goes "It takes strength to be gentle and kind".

Now, gentleness and kindness are qualities which are hardly socially thought of as being characteristic of strength.

Yet, when you think about it? it certainly takes a lot to be gentle, and even more to be kind. There is much selfishness, anger, and resentment in the world, and one's reaction to harshness is likely to be equally severe or damaging.

To respond to hostility with gentleness requires considerable faith in humanity and courage of the spirit. As for kindness, well, most people are too busy thinking of themselves to bother.

Antagonism and hostility encourage the creation of more negative feelings, both in the perpetrator and the receiver. Gentleness and kindness on the other hand, inspire joy, love, compassion and peace.

Moreover, giving without expectation gives us great happiness and satisfaction. Nothing makes our day more than a genuine compliment, a sincere pat on the back, an earnest hug, or a favour from a colleague. Do you get those often? More importantly, do you give those regularly?

It's a vain enterprise to expect a reward for a good deed. Take pleasure in performing the good deed itself. And you will be a happier person.

When someone is kind or generous towards you, the joy can only be temporary, because the effects never last very long. But when you are kind or generous towards someone else, you'll find that the joy only increases and accumulates. Because your act will serve to add to the world being a better place? no matter how small or insignificant you think it is.

Gentleness has been ingrained in many cultures as being a sign of the powerless and impotent. And kindness is sometimes thought of as a hint of weakness your opponent can take advantage of.

These are misconceptions, for anyone can take up the sword to strike in hatred and fury, but only the truly mighty are able to lay it down in forgiveness and love.

So the next time you're moved to malice or anger, try being gentle and kind instead. Experience for yourself the spiritual strength and joy that comes from them.

Don't Let Resentment Sink In

Regular interaction with other people almost every day means that there are plenty of opportunities for someone to intentionally or inadvertently get into a scrape with you, get on your nerves or step on your tail.

Now each of us handles perceived offences differently, and some people feel more resentment than others when they think they've been badly treated.

Resentment, when left unchecked, nibbles away at our spirit and mental well-being. It diminishes our ability to love and trust others. And it's very easy to feel resentful. People can arouse that emotion in us any time they fail to care, fail to think, or even when they fail to meet our expectations of what we deem to be good, fair, moral, or decent.

Let's say a colleague presents your idea as his own at a meeting. You work harder but the other person gets the promotion. A colleague says something mean about you in front of others. Or we feel we've been humiliated in a mass email. Most of us have gotten into protracted email squabbles which in the end turned out to be rather silly and meaningless.

We feel resentful because we imagine that our reputation has been violated, and that others' opinion of us has been ruined. The truth is, people don't care. People forget. People are too busy worrying about themselves to think about you. The world goes on heedless, and in a minute, an hour, or a day, it's not going to matter. On the day we die, these little trespasses are going to mean nothing at all. Why let them mean something today?

Rejecting resentment though, doesn't mean being passive, submissive or timid. If you genuinely feel you have been wronged and there is something constructive you can do to rectify it, then by all means, go ahead. Most of the time though, the things that make us resentful are truly insignificant. They don't deserve our time, our energy or our thoughts.

Why give someone the power to rob us of our peace of mind?

As Irish-American actor and writer Malachy McCourt once said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Choose Life Not Suicide

This world can sometimes be hard to live in, and occasionally, the pain becomes so acute and sources of relief so rare, that one may contemplate ending it all.

If you're having such a thought, don't feel that you're weak or foolish. There is nothing wrong or unusual about the way you feel. Things must be going pretty badly if you're contemplating suicide. But if death has become an option for you, then things can't get any worse. From here, you can rise if you want to.

No one has ever solved anything by choosing death. In fact, it's the ones who are faced with the very real prospect of death who discover how valuable and rich life can be.

In Stephen Daldry's film "The Hours", actress Julianne Moore plays Laura Brown, a character whose fa?e of a loving, dutiful housewife belies an emotional and romantic emptiness that threatens to engulf her. Unable to live the life she truly wants to live, she is finally driven to the thought of suicide, but decides against it at the eleventh hour.

Strangely enough, the option of death gave her the strength to continue living. When she realised that she could always take her life if it got unbearable, suddenly, her life didn't seem so hard. The world of infinite opportunities opened up to her. Fear of life and social expectations no longer gripped her, and she subsequently went on to live the life she always wanted.

In Paulo Coelho's book "Veronika Decides to Die", the protaganist is brought back from the brink of death after she takes a near-fatal dose of sleeping pills. However, the doctor tells her that as a consequence of her action, her heart has been so weakened that it could collapse in a matter of weeks. Faced with the possibility of death like the character of Laura in "The Hours", Veronika experiences a similar epiphany - that death is always possible, for everyone, young or old, happy or depressed. Death can come to you unexpectedly or you can invite it; either way, it makes life all the more precious and the world all the more beautiful and promising.

Suicide is a hasty catapult into the unknown. What you couldn't find here, you can be sure you won't find in death. Life however gives you the opportunity to live it in any way you like. The pain may be unbearable now, but it will not last. Death comes to us all; the time and place though, is not for us to determine. Till then, choose Life - seize the opportunities that only Life can bring.

Just Go With The Flow

Life is like a raging river. There is constant flow. In fact, agitation and movement are essential for life to endure. Stagnant waters breed disease and decay.

So when life decides to throw a rock at us, like when we lose a job or partner, don't lose heart. Don't negatively judge events or circumstances that initially seem "bad" or "unfortunate". Things don't happen by accident, and mistakes or misfortunes are simply precursors for positive change.

We can't control things like losing a job or losing a partner. Loss is essential for growth and survival. When we experience loss or some other stressful change in our lives, we can give in to negative feelings like anger, disappointment, self-pity, self-loathing, trepidation and fear. We can allow these emotions to strain our mind, effectively crippling its ability to discover viable solutions. We can imagine the worst, and let something that may not come to pass affect our present state of mind.

Or we can go with the flow of change. Some things in our lives have to go in order to make way for better things. The Universe has a way of nudging us along when we get too lazy, complacent or comfortable. Occasionally, it gives us a big shove. The Universe knows when stagnation is making us fat and feeble. It knows when something in our lives has to shift in order for us to continue growing. It then arranges for people and events to push us towards what we were meant to be.

Most people however, choose to resist or ignore the signs. They are so firmly embedded in the riverbed that they refuse to let the currents lift them away. The years go by, and along with them, a flood of lost opportunities? and the stubborn rocks are finally left buried under algae and dirt.

If you've recently lost your job, lost a partner or something you felt was valuable to you, think? Were you really happy with your job?

Did you put your dreams on hold because you were trapped in a wake up, go to work, go home, go to bed routine? Had you stopped growing in that job? Did nothing excite you anymore about your work? What about your ex-partner? Were you really good for each other? Or were you hanging on because you were afraid of being alone?

You didn't have the time nor the nerve to go out and do what you really wanted to do. Well, now you do!

Go with the flow of change!

Childhood Revisited

The person that you are at present - your fears, attitudes, values, and limitations - has its roots in your childhood.

As children, we collect bits and pieces of information about who we are, how the world works, and how we deal with it. As grown-ups, some of the data we collected in our childhood can prevent us from living a full and fulfilling life.

Maybe some of the people we cared about let us down, so we learnt to be suspicious of others. Perhaps our parents were too controlling, so we grew up to be indecisive and timid. Maybe we were kept in strict routines, so we became afraid of change and uncertainty. Or perhaps we were often indulged and pampered, so we grew up to expect everyone, including our partners, to give in to our demands.

I'm not putting the blame on parents. After all, they were children once too, and there isn't a child in the world that won't get wounded in some way. We may never know exactly what those wounds are, but we can be sure that our parents acted towards us according to the degree those wounds were healed or left to fester. Our parents are human too, and therefore imperfect like everyone else. Once we accept this, we can begin to forgive our parents for not meeting our expectations.

If you want to get to the source of your issues as an adult, you have to go back to the past and examine the kind of childhood you had. The path ahead will always be strewn with shattered glass until you go back and pick up the broken pieces.

Most of us have been taught to ignore the past and look to the future. But it's undeniable that our future will continue to be shaped by our past until we go back, seek out the injuries, and consciously break the stranglehold they have on us.

Only we have the power to do this, but we cannot be intimidated by the darkness that exists in our childhood. Shining a light on the hurts in our past can be painful, but ultimately, this is what frees us. This is what allows us to prevent childhood issues from repeating themselves in our adult life. By seeking out the pain, we can let it go, and move on.

Graceful Aging

Old age is something none of us can avoid. Worrying about it simply precipitates its onset. So you may lose your hair. So your skin may become dry and wrinkled. You may gain weight. Your movements might become laboured or clumsy. So what? It's the natural process of Life. But there a few things you can do to make aging more graceful and softer on your ego.

Psychologists say that our minds and bodies, generally, begin to age, or wind down, after the age of 45. And it's about that time that we should give our lives a new direction.

Healthy foods and exercise are essential at any point in our lives, and particularly crucial when we're entering our twilight years. Exercise at least moderately. If nothing else, you could always walk around the neighbourhood. The body breaks down even faster due to lack of use. And don't take my word for it because I'm not a nutritionist, but richly-coloured foods that are high in fibre and low in fat are usually good - salmon, broccoli, nuts, capsicum, fruits. Make your meals visually pleasing as well as tasty!

As you grow older, friendships become more important than ever. Family members are great, but you cannot become dependent on them socially. They can't always be there for you. So for those times when they can't, enjoy the company of close friends who can.

If you've retired, or are going to retire soon, learn new things that you didn't have the time to take up when you were working. Again, what the thing is is not important, as long as you have an interest in it. Especially beneficial are things that require a fair amount of mind work, or are manually complex to do. This keeps your mind and body working. Or things that expand your view of the world or see things from a different perspective. You could also revisit the things that gave you joy when you were younger - books, music, and films are particularly good for bringing back those good ol' memories.

No matter how many times you go to the gym a week, you'll never have the same body you did when you were 25. That doesn't mean you should stop caring about your appearance. Wear clothes that you're comfortable in but which still give you a little style and flair. Dressing to feel good about yourself is not a bad thing. Don't confuse it with narcissism and vanity.

Old age doesn't equate sagely wisdom, so keep your mind open to suggestions and ideas, even from very young people. Their nascent minds may not teach the lesson in the most articulate way, but if you're open, you'll absorb the wisdom easily. Avoid thinking and behaving like you're the authority on everything, just because of your age. This can cause people to isolate you. It can also lead to complacency, inability to adapt and grow, and eventually, a stagnation of your mental abilities.

And set goals for yourself. This gives you something that you can look forward to. Make them reasonable. Finish one book a week. Keep to a budget. Plant your own chili padi. Plan a short holiday closeby. Make gifts for upcoming family gatherings. It's amazing how much you can achieve in your Golden Years.

Taking Your Personal Standards To The Next Level

Stagnation and slacking at work is quite common. Only a handful of people are ambitious and self-motivated enough to maintain an optimum level of performance at all times.

However, to develop and mature at our jobs, we need to periodically raise our own standard bar. Otherwise, our work will in time begin to feel mundane and our attitude will begin to look sloppy. This in turn affects job satisfaction and career prospects.

Our personal standards are benchmarks we set for ourselves. They're related to how we treat and perceive ourselves, how we interact with others, the words we use, the attitudes and values we project, and our behavioural patterns. They can be reviewed and changed as we mature as human beings.

Here are some simple tips for raising your personal standards at work or at home:

- Make a list of the people you admire. The traits you have a high regard for could be patience, the ability to persuade others to see their point, being punctual, or kind. So these people can be your peers, your friends, your superiors, your subordinates, the mailman or the cleaning lady. Observe them and emulate how they handle tough situations.

- Try to be "unconditionally-constructive" each time you speak or phrase, while still saying all you need to say. Most people criticise without being able to come up with solutions, or only see the negative in everything. Practice being constructive about as many things as you can and you'll increase your self-worth and your value as a worker. You'll also inspire others to be more optimistic and cheerful.

- When mistakes or mishaps surfaces in your "space" or your sphere of work, learn to accept the responsibility, but not the blame. Deal with the situation and raise your standards so it doesn't happen again.

- In the corporate world, it seems like a good idea to make results and goals number one on your list of priorities. But ask any successful and influential manager or supervisor, and he or she will tell you that putting people and relationships above results, is the key to long term job satisfaction and corporate success.

- What are the things around your office that you tolerate but which continue to sap your energy? It could be an area of your work that is time-consuming or menial, but ultimately contributes little or nothing to the quality of your work. Do them, delegate them or discard them if you think they cannot be changed to benefit you or your company.

And those are a few ways you can raise your personal standards and in turn increase your value at work.

Highly Sensitive Indviduals (Part 2 of 2)

In the last article, I discussed about Highly Sensitive Individuals and how you can tell if you are one. In addition to the qualities I talked about in the last article, you may be a Highly Sensitive Individual if:

- At work, you find it easier to focus on one thing at a time, and you tend to concentrate intensely on what you're working on. As a result, you may be thought of as slow or unable to multi-task. You also require time alone, and little or no pressure. But you usually produce quality, above-average work.

- You have a heightened sense of aesthetics, alignment, and art. You are probably highly artistic yourself, and you appreciate beauty passionately. You also need to have a sense of balance in your surroundings. Your desk is likely to be neat and pleasantly arranged. Seeing something out of alignment is likely to be distressing for you.

- You have a lower tolerance for stimulation than others. Very often, you can perceive subtle changes in your environment. As a consequence, you may find it more difficult to sleep, as every little sound or discomfort may disturb you.

- You connect easily and regularly with your inner self. You probably talk to yourself often, though you may not do it aloud. You may even find your inner sanctum more interesting and comforting than the outer world. On the upside, you're highly imaginative, and are able to solve most problems on your own. On the downside, you may lose touch with the realities and priorities of the real world.

- You're able to appreciate the intricacies and subtle beauty of the seemingly common. As a result, you may have little patience with the truly mundane. You love being around Nature and can be spellbound by things like rain and the sea. You also probably talk to your dog. I don't mean things like "Sit!", but really lengthy, intimate conversations. Because you're comforted by simple things, you may be thought of as being without ambition.

The first and most important step to overcoming your weaknesses as a Highly Sensitive Individual is to acknowledge and accept that you are a Highly Sensitive Individual. There is nothing wrong or bad with that and you should be proud and make full use of your unique talents. Also, because you are naturally affected by your surroundings and the people around you, you must learn to let go and live by your own criteria. Invest heavily in mutually beneficial relationships. Have friends who are not afraid to tell you the truth. A pet is a good idea too. Find a job that is satisfying to you and that allows you the time, space and freedom to produce good work.

Highly Sensitive Individuals (Part 1 of 2)

Do you often feel overwhelmed by your environment or the people around you? Are you very self-conscious? Do you try to avoid contact with people, especially strangers or casual acquaintances? Are you easily affected by stimuli around you like sounds, images, noises, music, words and emotions?

Relax! You may not be suffering from low self-esteem or from severe anxiety. You may simply be a Highly Sensitive Person.

Some researchers estimate that up to 20% of a population is highly sensitive. Highly Sensitive People are born with very perceptive sensory systems. They are therefore more keenly affected by stimuli around them, like light and colour, sounds, excitement, people and stress. They possess powerful intuition, and have a greater capacity to analyse, empathise and understand their surroundings and the people around them.

Because of their sensitivity, they are also more likely to minimise social contact. This explains why they shun crowded areas like shopping malls during the weekends, avoid overcharged settings like discos and rock concerts, and maintain only a few close friends.

Being highly sensitive brings along with it its fair share of gifts and obstacles. You may be a Highly Sensitive Person if:

- You are usually more affected by other people's opinions, thoughts, emotions, needs and desires than your own. As a result, you're very caring and you empathise easily with others. On the downside, you worry too much and people find it easy to take advantage of you. You also tend to lose sight of your own happiness, needs and goals.

- You are keenly aware of the subtleties in your environment. You may be able to perceive understated changes in temperature, light, noises, smell, textures and energy. Your senses go beyond the physical realm to permeate into the intellectual, emotional and spiritual realms. Because of this, you're able to develop relationships among seemingly discordant elements, and understand complex concepts. You're creative and far-sighted.

- You can be deeply moved by stories, words, films, and music. You are finely attuned to the emotions they evoke, and they can often perk you up instantly or make you cry. You are also likely to possess a flair with words or a talent for composing music.

I'll continue to examine the common traits of a Highly Sensitive Person, and how you can capitalise on their strengths and minimise their barriers.

The Carrot Seed

I'm going to share with you a story called "The Carrot Seed" that began as a 10,000 word saga.

Its author, Ruth Krauss, claimed that it took her an entire lifetime to craft. Not satisfied with the impact the original version had, Krauss whittled the text down to its final 101 words, making it one of the shortest picture book texts when it was published in 1945.

Here's how it goes?

A little boy planted a carrot seed.

His mother said, "I'm afraid it won't come up."

His father said, "I'm afraid it won't come up."

And his brother said, "It won't come up."

Everyday the little boy pulled up the weeds around the seed and sprinkled the ground with water.

But nothing came up.

And nothing came up.

Everyone kept saying it wouldn't come up.

But he still pulled up the weeds around it every day and sprinkled the ground with water.

And then, one day, a carrot came up.

Just as the little boy had known it would.

And that was a story called "The Carrot Seed" by Ruth Krauss.

Countless interpretations have been made about its philosophy, but most accept that it's a tale about the power of action and positive thought. About the power of childhood faith, and what one can achieve if he refuses to be distracted by external dissonance and perseveres in what he believes in.