Our minds, if left to their own devices, will cause us to live unhappy, unfulfilling lives. This is because they've been conditioned over the years to accept certain beliefs that limit our spiritual growth - things like "not changing is safe", "don't take risks", and "being sure is better than going into the unknown".
This is probably due to our primal instinct for survival. Certainly for a Neanderthal scampering among prehistoric flesh-eating giants, it's probably smarter not to take a different route back to your cave every day. But in today's context, where our daily preoccupation is not hunting for food and avoiding being food, we need more intellectual stimulation to keep our minds and spirits in optimum condition. When we "play it safe" or get into comfortable routines, we grow dull and listless.
The mind is like a child. Its intelligence will always include some primal remnants that equate change to death, discomfort to death, and discipline to death. It must be trained and given guidance by a loving but firm spirit in order to fulfill its true purpose.
For our greater good, we have to let the spirit control the mind. Every week, try adopting one life-enhancing practice consistently. You'll find that when the spirit takes control in these instances that the mind will protest - it will try to persuade you that it's too difficult, that it's better to have things status quo, that you need your fixes to soothe the frustrations of life.
Try out these exercises to train your spirit to control your mind for greater self-enhancement.
1. Take on a small project that requires some level of discipline that you would normally not bring to the table. Complete the project successfully.
2. Eliminate a counter-productive habit that you are addicted to, such as drinking coffee, hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock, not drinking sufficient quantities of water, etc.
3. Read about the true nature of addiction and discover your own and how it is ruining your life then decide, fully aware of the consequences, if you will continue done that path and every time you indulge remind yourself of the consequences you are choosing.
4. Observe other people living chaotic, problematic lives and then own up to where you are also doing the same thing.
Tuesday 29 January 2008
Friday 25 January 2008
Unhealthy Self Judgement Builds Guilt
When we do something that harms someone, we experience a feeling called guilt. This kind of guilt is important to have because it keeps us in check. Otherwise we'd all think nothing of hurting others.
However, the kind of guilt many people experience is of a different and much less positive kind. In fact, you can say it has no rewards at all. This is the kind of guilt that you feel when you have actually done nothing wrong but because of certain born or bred mindsets, you're judging yourself to have been a bad person.
For example, some people feel responsible for all the happiness and unhappiness of their family members. A family member may be feeling needy and is increasingly seeking and wanting more of your assurances and help and time. Now of course you should help your family members but if you feel a deep sense of guilt every time you "weren't there" for example, or said something that appeared to hurt the other person, then you are falsely judging yourself.
You are not wholly responsible for your loved one's state of mind or happiness, although you can play a part. If a loved one becomes testy whenever you aren't able to fulfill a task he or she expected you to do, then you have become a crutch for them. For example, they aren't able to do simple things like calling a service provider or going to the doctor for a minor flu on their own.
When you make yourself wholly responsible for a loved one's happiness and feel guilty whenever you miss the mark, you're also teaching your loved one to be dependent. When this happens, the sense of betrayal just gets stronger and stronger each time you're not able to deliver. Needless to say, this only strains the relationship in the long run.
Now you know that you're not doing anything wrong, or directly damaging, yet you continue to judge yourself whenever others around you get upset. On some level you believe that by accommodating people all the time, you will get their love and acceptance. But it's doesn't work that way. Building up false expectations only builds disappointment and resentment.
Remember, you cannot control others' feelings and behaviour by doing things "right". You shouldn't judge yourself whenever you're unable to do things "right". Fully accept that you can't be wholly responsible for another person's feelings and release the self-judgement and guilt.
However, the kind of guilt many people experience is of a different and much less positive kind. In fact, you can say it has no rewards at all. This is the kind of guilt that you feel when you have actually done nothing wrong but because of certain born or bred mindsets, you're judging yourself to have been a bad person.
For example, some people feel responsible for all the happiness and unhappiness of their family members. A family member may be feeling needy and is increasingly seeking and wanting more of your assurances and help and time. Now of course you should help your family members but if you feel a deep sense of guilt every time you "weren't there" for example, or said something that appeared to hurt the other person, then you are falsely judging yourself.
You are not wholly responsible for your loved one's state of mind or happiness, although you can play a part. If a loved one becomes testy whenever you aren't able to fulfill a task he or she expected you to do, then you have become a crutch for them. For example, they aren't able to do simple things like calling a service provider or going to the doctor for a minor flu on their own.
When you make yourself wholly responsible for a loved one's happiness and feel guilty whenever you miss the mark, you're also teaching your loved one to be dependent. When this happens, the sense of betrayal just gets stronger and stronger each time you're not able to deliver. Needless to say, this only strains the relationship in the long run.
Now you know that you're not doing anything wrong, or directly damaging, yet you continue to judge yourself whenever others around you get upset. On some level you believe that by accommodating people all the time, you will get their love and acceptance. But it's doesn't work that way. Building up false expectations only builds disappointment and resentment.
Remember, you cannot control others' feelings and behaviour by doing things "right". You shouldn't judge yourself whenever you're unable to do things "right". Fully accept that you can't be wholly responsible for another person's feelings and release the self-judgement and guilt.
Thursday 24 January 2008
Giving Your Children The Ability To Think
Do you find that you have to constantly tell your child what to do? Brush your teeth, clear up your toys, make your bed, finish your homework, put on your shoes, walk on the pavement, don't watch TV too close to the screen and so on? The list can be endless especially if you have a very young child.
As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.
This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?
If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"
Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.
Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.
As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.
This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?
If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"
Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.
Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.
Wednesday 23 January 2008
Measuring Happiness
Happiness is something that most people are concerned about and want. Athenian philosopher Aristotle once said that "Happiness is the end for which human beings are designed."
But, it seems that many people are confused about happiness. Sure, we know that it's important, but it's surprising how many people are not happy and how many are looking for happiness in the wrong places.
Some of us think the more we have the happier we'll be. Think about the times in your life when you bought something because you thought it would make you happy. How long did the joy last? On hindsight, was it really worth the effort and money? There is so much pressure in our culture to buy and to have. But there is a rude awakening to actually attaining the things that you think will make you happy. It is often so disappointing. How many times have you wanted something, only to find once you had it, it didn't give you the joy and happiness that you expected?
Someone else cannot make you happy. One of the myths of our society is that finding the perfect mate will bring perfect happiness. However, people who depend on others for their personal happiness are often bitterly disappointed. True happiness comes from knowing yourself, your values, and what you like to do, not from someone else knowing these things about you.
We also have to understand that happiness is not guaranteed. It is not a right. If we can fully understand this truth, then we'll cherish happiness more when it comes, and grieve less when it goes.
Questions about human happiness are not new; they have been asked throughout time. But no one else can really tell you how to find happiness. Also, what makes you happy changes with time. In reality happiness is a personal thing with as many varieties as there are individuals. The bottom line is that we are all experts on our own personal happiness, no one else holds the key or the answers to it. I would like to end this programme by sharing a statement by Robert Louis Stevenson:
"Make the best of your circumstances, No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. Don't take yourself too seriously. You can't please everybody; don't let your neighbours set your standards, do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt. Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones. Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities, grudges. Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrow and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself. Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy."
But, it seems that many people are confused about happiness. Sure, we know that it's important, but it's surprising how many people are not happy and how many are looking for happiness in the wrong places.
Some of us think the more we have the happier we'll be. Think about the times in your life when you bought something because you thought it would make you happy. How long did the joy last? On hindsight, was it really worth the effort and money? There is so much pressure in our culture to buy and to have. But there is a rude awakening to actually attaining the things that you think will make you happy. It is often so disappointing. How many times have you wanted something, only to find once you had it, it didn't give you the joy and happiness that you expected?
Someone else cannot make you happy. One of the myths of our society is that finding the perfect mate will bring perfect happiness. However, people who depend on others for their personal happiness are often bitterly disappointed. True happiness comes from knowing yourself, your values, and what you like to do, not from someone else knowing these things about you.
We also have to understand that happiness is not guaranteed. It is not a right. If we can fully understand this truth, then we'll cherish happiness more when it comes, and grieve less when it goes.
Questions about human happiness are not new; they have been asked throughout time. But no one else can really tell you how to find happiness. Also, what makes you happy changes with time. In reality happiness is a personal thing with as many varieties as there are individuals. The bottom line is that we are all experts on our own personal happiness, no one else holds the key or the answers to it. I would like to end this programme by sharing a statement by Robert Louis Stevenson:
"Make the best of your circumstances, No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. Don't take yourself too seriously. You can't please everybody; don't let your neighbours set your standards, do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt. Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones. Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities, grudges. Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrow and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself. Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy."
Tuesday 22 January 2008
Gag The Inner Critic
Critics - can't live with them, some say we can't live without them. After all, they do sometimes provide useful advice. Very often though, our toughest detractors are not other people; our inner critic is usually the harshest of all, and because it's with us all the time, its constant disparagement can break us down and prevent us from achieving our full potential.
Don't underestimate that little voice inside your head that goes "You can't", "You'll fail", or "Don't risk it". Enough hammering and those limiting beliefs will become an inseparable part of you. So how can you make your inner critic shut up? Here are four ways that might help:
Tactic One: Know Your Enemy. In order to fight a good fight, you must spend some time getting to know your own thinking process. What are you saying to yourself? When a great idea pops into your head, what do you do with it? Many people diminish it until the good idea is but a mere memory. So listen close and hear what your personal inner critic sounds like.
Tactic Two: Talk Back. Isn't it strange that we won't accept someone else putting us down, but we are quite content to let our inner critic do us in? Quit being your own worst enemy. When you hear "I can't", disagree immediately!
Tactic Three: Write It Down To Size: Once you have learned to recognize the inner critic, and you've started talking back, keep it in its place by writing it out. This takes a little more time and a little more discipline, but in the long run you will come out ahead. Write down all the icky, finicky, frustrating stuff in your head. Write freely with no editing, no reading, and no rereading. Just get it out. Vent and complain!. Then you'll be rid of the emotional clutter that can keep you from succeeding. And don't stop with just the negative bits. Write out your affirmations as well - your strengths, your blessings, your hopes, your achievements.
Tactic Four: Be Nicer to Yourself: In other words, give yourself permission to be a little insane. Be better to yourself! It's high time you did! Praise yourself, give yourself treats, rewards for good work done, indulge your desires sometimes, look in the mirror and see what a beautiful person you are! Write down ten great things about yourself and read them everyday. Before long, you'll begin to see that you are right. You have amazing potential and superb ideas.
Now, you're the verge of making your dreams a reality.
Don't underestimate that little voice inside your head that goes "You can't", "You'll fail", or "Don't risk it". Enough hammering and those limiting beliefs will become an inseparable part of you. So how can you make your inner critic shut up? Here are four ways that might help:
Tactic One: Know Your Enemy. In order to fight a good fight, you must spend some time getting to know your own thinking process. What are you saying to yourself? When a great idea pops into your head, what do you do with it? Many people diminish it until the good idea is but a mere memory. So listen close and hear what your personal inner critic sounds like.
Tactic Two: Talk Back. Isn't it strange that we won't accept someone else putting us down, but we are quite content to let our inner critic do us in? Quit being your own worst enemy. When you hear "I can't", disagree immediately!
Tactic Three: Write It Down To Size: Once you have learned to recognize the inner critic, and you've started talking back, keep it in its place by writing it out. This takes a little more time and a little more discipline, but in the long run you will come out ahead. Write down all the icky, finicky, frustrating stuff in your head. Write freely with no editing, no reading, and no rereading. Just get it out. Vent and complain!. Then you'll be rid of the emotional clutter that can keep you from succeeding. And don't stop with just the negative bits. Write out your affirmations as well - your strengths, your blessings, your hopes, your achievements.
Tactic Four: Be Nicer to Yourself: In other words, give yourself permission to be a little insane. Be better to yourself! It's high time you did! Praise yourself, give yourself treats, rewards for good work done, indulge your desires sometimes, look in the mirror and see what a beautiful person you are! Write down ten great things about yourself and read them everyday. Before long, you'll begin to see that you are right. You have amazing potential and superb ideas.
Now, you're the verge of making your dreams a reality.
Monday 21 January 2008
The Art Of Delegation And Empowerment
Delegating is a commonly misunderstood concept. Delegating is not about dumping problems or chores you dislike doing onto the shoulders of others; it's an invaluable tool for motivating and training your team to realize their full potential.
We have the ability to assist another person in capitalizing on their full potential. This person could be your spouse, your child or co-worker.
How many thousands of dollars do people spend on motivational tapes, programs, workshops, coaches, and training seminars on learning how to make best use of our abilities? Most people want true fulfillment, in all aspects of life.
Therefore, it benefits you and your loved ones to learn how to delegate.
Make sure this person knows what you want done, that they can actually complete the task, and they know how to do it.
Many people worry that if they let others do a job for them, they will lose control or the task will not be completed as well as you would have done it.
When you think about tasks you can delegate, decide what is "good enough" or "satisfactory". Don't judge others based on your own benchmarks. You'll soon see how happy people are to help you and how good they feel doing a job that requires them to make their own decisions. They feel empowered and your confidence in them only helps.
Give your children a chance at loading or unloading the laundry. Allow your spouse to guide you to your destination using the street directory. Assign a special project or task to your subordinates at work. Even a kid can help set the table. The cutlery may not be in the right places, but one day they will get there! You're laying an important foundation.
So empower your loved ones today. Delegate some jobs that they can feel proud completing of and having responsibility on it. It will be much satisfying and fulfilling than you think!
We have the ability to assist another person in capitalizing on their full potential. This person could be your spouse, your child or co-worker.
How many thousands of dollars do people spend on motivational tapes, programs, workshops, coaches, and training seminars on learning how to make best use of our abilities? Most people want true fulfillment, in all aspects of life.
Therefore, it benefits you and your loved ones to learn how to delegate.
Make sure this person knows what you want done, that they can actually complete the task, and they know how to do it.
Many people worry that if they let others do a job for them, they will lose control or the task will not be completed as well as you would have done it.
When you think about tasks you can delegate, decide what is "good enough" or "satisfactory". Don't judge others based on your own benchmarks. You'll soon see how happy people are to help you and how good they feel doing a job that requires them to make their own decisions. They feel empowered and your confidence in them only helps.
Give your children a chance at loading or unloading the laundry. Allow your spouse to guide you to your destination using the street directory. Assign a special project or task to your subordinates at work. Even a kid can help set the table. The cutlery may not be in the right places, but one day they will get there! You're laying an important foundation.
So empower your loved ones today. Delegate some jobs that they can feel proud completing of and having responsibility on it. It will be much satisfying and fulfilling than you think!
Saturday 19 January 2008
Worth Of A Relationship
When a relationship goes sour, we sometimes try to recover it, or attempt to "get things back to where to used to be". Some of our efforts may work to a extent, while others only succeed in prolonging the final throes of something that is already terminally ill.
But how do we know if a relationship is worth it? Will it bring both parties more harm in the long run by mounting a protracted and misguided rescue operation?
Here are a few things to consider:
Is your partner still in love or still interested in pursuing the relationship? Sometimes when we lose a love, we usually dwell on what used to be, not on what the relationship is currently about. Of course it was pleasant in the beginning, but that stage of the relationship is not always an accurate measure. It's best to look at what is currently happening and evaluate how or why the situation is the way it is. Are you hanging the love on a memory? Are you clinging to the relationship because you're afraid of being alone?
No matter how challenging it may for you initially, if you do breakup, the hurt WILL go away. There may be a lot of heartache, resentment and jealousy right now, but if you are willing to move forward, it will pass. Reflect on "Do I really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?". Picture what a mutually loving relationship with someone should feel like. Is it what you have now? If not, do you really want to stay and allow the chance of finding true love slip?
Are you clinging on this relationship for reasons other than love? Some people, knowingly or unknowingly, stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons, such as having a roof over their heads, having their bills paid, being afraid of loneiness or other reasons. If this is you, you must realise that co-dependent relationships will not work. If you really want to lead a fulfilling life, take the steps to become independent and self-sufficient; it can be a very empowering, incredible feeling.
Are you putting assumptions of what your partner is or is not feeling? Sometimes our "inner voices" tell us things that are not true. If the tension in your relationship is due to suspicion, speculation and second-guessing, try talking things through openly with your partner. Open communication is the best way to resolve these issues and is a necessary part of a loving relationship.
Once you have seriously considered the above, you should have a better clarity of where your relationship is headed. Remember, the end of a relationship is not the end of life. If you are not happy and quite sure things are not going to work out, its time to move forward.
Friday 18 January 2008
Thought Mastery
We’re all built with incredible propensity to imagine the worst. Let’s say you notice a strange spot on your chest. You will start to imagine "something is wrong." This quickly becomes “it’s a STD” or “it’s cancer”. In no time at all, you arrive at the idea that you’re going to die from this. Well, that is it then, time to plan the funeral.
You see how we can worsen matters? And it’s not just in areas such as our well-being; it’s our children, our careers, our finances, our partner, or the superior we thought we offended. If we start catching ourselves imagining disastrous scenarios that are not grounded in facts, we’ll realize that our thoughts can go askew very easily. And they affect our emotional and mental well-being. Sometimes, they can even make us physically unwell!
To reduce unnecessary angst, concentrate on the scenerio at hand. Nothing more and no less of it. A spot is just a spot. Until you see a doctor or get more information, further thought is useless and can be dangerous.
The thing is, a thought is just a thought. Some thoughts may be more beneficial, but that makes them no more real.
The trouble starts when we buy into the thoughts. When we start believing that they have some untold truth or reality.
A good way out of this trap is to visualise a continuum, a line between two extremes. At one end is the mindset that "A Thought Is Reality." At this extreme, people think that whatever comes into their head is real. In other words, "if I think it, it is real." The extreme is what we known as psychosis, which is, no matter what others or bare facts tell me, I simply choose to believe my thoughts.
At the other end of the continuum is the mindset that "A Thought Is Just A Thought." If a thought starts to torment a person at this end of the spectrum, he or she is able to take a step back, taking note that a thought is just a thought, and let it go. If it warrants some follow-up action, go ahead, but until then, don’t let your thoughts slip into the gunk of fear and imagination.
Thoughts really only have as much power as we empower or give them. Nothing more and nothing less. Become aware of your thoughts. Master your thoughts and you master your world.
Thursday 17 January 2008
To Give And Receive (Part 2 of 2)
Today, let's talk about the dynamics of giving and receiving, and how an imbalance can hurt your emotional health. We tried out a few ways of increasing your receptivity if you're not receiving enough. But what if you're not giving enough?
First of all, tell the people in your life what you appreciate about them - the things you admire, respect, enjoy, envy, and are awed by. How often do you let your friends and family know how much you appreciate them?
Extend this gift of appreciation to colleagues and associates. Even people you had a brief encounter with; if they impressed you or was helpful to you or did a favour for you, tell them how much it meant. Be abundance with your appreciation. It costs you nothing but it makes them feel great, and you'll feel wonderful too.
When you go to someone else's home, bring them something - some fruit, a drink, a flower, even a note.
Introduce people who could gain from knowing each other socially or professionally. You may feel uneasy or awkward the first few times you do this, but it is a completely learnable skill and a wonderful way to be of service to the people in your life.
Invite people to your home; give the gift of an event that brings people together.
Give away stuff you don't use any more - dusty books clogging up your cupboards and shelves, CDs you never listen to anymore, bags, clothes, even appliances. These things have much more value in them yet in other hands too.
Introduce people who could benefit from knowing each other socially or professionally. You may feel awkward the first few times you do this, but it is a completely learnable skill and a wonderful way to be of service to the people in your life.
Invite people to your home; give the gift of an event that brings people together.
Give away stuff you don't use any more - dusty books clogging up your cupboards and shelves, CDs you never listen to anymore, bags, clothes, even appliances. These things have much more value in them yet in other hands.Wednesday 16 January 2008
To Give And Receive (Part 1 of 2)
Today, let's talk about on giving and receiving. Both are equally important to your emotional health, and if your scales are excessively skewed, it's time to review some of your habits and beliefs. Just like inhaling and exhaling, giving and receiving both need equal attention, otherwise, the body feels uncomfortable and inefficient. Both are cycles that establish their own equilibrium.
Think about it? When you exhale fully, you make room for new air to come in. You also create a vacuum that pulls oxygen in. In the same way, if you are giving more than you are receiving, at some point you will not have anything left to give. If you are receiving more than you are giving, at some point there will be no "space" for you to receive anything else.
If you're not receiving enough, you need to open yourself up to receive more of what is already being given to you.
For example, when someone compliments you, say "Thank you." Do not deflect what they have said - let it in! Receive this person's appreciation for you.
When someone invites you to something, allow yourself to feel included and wanted. Don't look for explanations or complications. Take it at face value.
When someone asks you what they can do to help you out, don't turn them down. Think of all the ways they might assist you and pick one; then let them help you. Many people refuse help unless they are just about desperate; they fear that if they take help when they don't absolutely need it, when they do need it, it won't be there. But that's not the way the dynamic works. When you consistently refuse help, you stop the flow.
When you come across something that's beautiful to you, such as a sunset, a rain puddle or a colourful insect, allow its beauty to seep into your soul. If you witness something that touches, moves, or inspires you, open up your heart fully to receive the experience. Don't dismiss it as weak sentimentality. Feel it. Your heart needs it.
And when you receive a gift, receive the whole gift. And this includes the thought, time and energy that went into getting you the gift. You may be thinking "I don't need another shirt" or "another bag", but you do need the gift behind the gift. Let it in.
That's what you can try if you're not receiving enough. What if you're not giving enough? We'll talk about this in the next part.Tuesday 8 January 2008
Being Single And Happy
More and more people in their 30's or 40's have never been married and are yearning to settle down and start a family.
If you fall into this group, how does it make you feel? Frustrated? Are you longing to be a father? Have you lost hope that you will ever find someone to settle down with and spend the rest of your life with? Do you have a lot of friends, but you still feel lonely and long for true love and companionship with a life long partner?
Well, you don't need to be married and have a family to make your life complete, happy and worthwhile. Yes, there is joy in that, but it doesn't mean that without it your life is doomed to emptiness. Many people fall into the trap of believing in that certainty.
It's a big mistake to depend on someone else to complete your life and bring you happiness. Being happy is D-I-Y. Depending on someone else for your happiness is handing over control and responsibility to that person. Which not only puts you in a wobbly situation, it's unfair to the other party.
Marriage and a family is not the only key to your eternal happiness. The fact that many marriages end in divorce should give you a clue that marriage does not guarantee happiness.
Don't get me wrong. Marriage is a wonderful institution as long as you find the right mate. Marriage is very a serious matter and you should not jump into marriage prematurely because you think you're getting older and it's time to settle down.
Even if you insist that there is someone for you, and you will find him or her eventually, that doesn't mean that the world has to stop turning in the meantime. You can find happiness and fulfillment in other areas besides romantic relationships.
A good way to find meaning and satisfaction is to become involved in helping others through charity organizations, volunteer work, community activities, working for political causes, helping the needy and so on. It can be extremely rewarding. Besides, it's a great way to meet people too and learn about their lives, their motivations, their problems and their ways of solving them. This helps put your own troubles into perspective.
Sunday 6 January 2008
Building Bonds With Your Partner
In any given moment in our relationship with our partner, we are in one of two possible intents - the intent to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, and the intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others.
Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. We learned these defensive behaviours when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviors. For example, we may use anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviors have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, or controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with the typical romantic trappings, like candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection will not be there. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain.
However, if both partners are open to learning, they will be emotionally available to each other, and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice. Developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
In your interactions with your partner, do you always seek to be right? Do you strive to protect your own feelings rather than risk opening your heart? Do you have the courage to swallow your pride in order to avoid an argument? Do you listen and seek to understand instead of talking all the time?
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish. Candles, flowers, vacations, and so on are simply icing on the cake.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)