Fixing Your Bond With Your Partner

All couples do have differences in certain extent and in different manners, but the differences between those that last and those that break apart is the ability to fixing the subsequent damage.

Couples are bonded by love but sundered by their weak skills at relationship maintenance. Love is a dynamic, fulfilling and spontaneous emotion and we don't need to learn how to love someone (not in the starting stage); it just comes out within you. But not many of us actually know how to manage and handle the ill feelings, emotional dis-engagement, resentment and cold wars coming from conflicts. Given ample time to accumulate and simmer, these insidious emotions could wreck any blissful couple.

Thta's why learning and applying the skills to fixing the damage done by quarrels are so important in a marriage. In life, we cannot avoid hurt but we can learn how to heal and move on from it.

Most of us go into relationships "blind", "dumb" and "deaf", which is, not fully understanding what's needed to build a fulfulling lasting bond. We're sometimes bounded by out follies; as we all have our bad days, stress from external sources or judging a scenerio poorly. Rather than ignoring the issue, or your partner or allowing the anger to seethe, trying repairing it.

If you feel that you have more clarity for the offender, don't hold onto it stubbornly. And if your partner is the more evidently at fault; don't sit on the high horse, be prepared to accept any apology or atonement. You know that it might not be easy to admit you are wrong, and if your partner does it sincerely, that demonstrates that he/she truly cares about you and wants to mend bridges.

Here are some steps you can start with to fix the damage resulting from a bad clash.

First; Apologise. A simple and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders and miracles for a relationship. Beware of overdoing it though; too many too often often feels insincere and can backfire on you.

Then, attempt to confiding your feelings. Very often, conflict and misunderstandings occurs because of deep insecurities, latent fears and assumed judgement. Your partner is more likely to emphathise with you if he/she knew these feelings. Obviously, they can't tell unless you share with them. For example, you may just be worried about him/her when you lost your cool. Express these concerns so as to build better understanding and bonding.

Managing Adversity

If you are in a challenging or uncomfortable scenerio, you have only 3 choices:

1. Wait for the event (scenerio) to change
2. Change the event
3. Change your response to the event

Let's start with the Option 1. You need to know if the scenerio is likely to change on itself. If not, this is clearly not an option for you. Some scenerios, no matter, how short term it may be, the answer may just be to wait them out. While you are waiting for the scenerio to change though, you might want to think about if you can go for option 2 - change the event.

The con with this solution is that even if you leave your current event and procee to the next one, you will still carry it with you. This is the time to wonder if you are perhaps part of the problem? Are you habitually trapping yourself in certain challenging scenerios? If relationships aren't working out for you, how much responsibility should you bear? Of course, most events are simply out of our control; there's nothing we can do to alter it.

Which by then, brings us to option 3, the most effective and self empowering option -Change the respone to the event. The advantage of this option is unlike the first two, this one is always open to you. You are the focal point. Strangely enough, when you focus on yourself, you have more influence on things outside you. On other words, when you choose to look at things in a different angle, the things you are looking at, change (or at least appear different) with your mindset.

We live in a culture which tends to lay blame on external factor for our woes - It's God, it's government, it's our superior, our co-worker, our parents, our siblings and perhaps even the climate. Anything it seems, except ourselves.

In order to stop blaming and start improving your life, you must change the meaning of the event, i.e change the response. Instead of seeing it as something that was 'done to you', you can choose to view it as a neutral event, nothing personal, or even a positive experience that you can learn something from. Change your language to reinforce this change of meaning. Instead of asking, " Why did this have to happen to me?" Ask yourself, "What lesson can I take away from this?"

By changing the context you give to the event and changing the words you use, you'll discover that you have the power to respond in any number of ways, and whatever way you choose you want it to conclude, not just the knee jerk reactions resulting from your past. You'll be able to choose new responses to old problems by breaking habitual patterns that have been limiting your growth and progress.