Undue Worries

Mark Twain once said, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened."

Our mind is often our own worst enemy, and our thoughts can routinely cause us hours, days even, of unnecessary distress and anxiety. Worry is a prolific writer of anxious thoughts and worst-case scenarios, and it can often spin an overwrought, extravagant yarn worthy of any soap opera writer's desk.

Take for example, we unintentionally offend someone and that person confronts us about it. The drama could end with our apology and that person's understanding. But no, in our minds, we'd imagine that the person is truly livid, and that he or she will tell others of what we have done. That will then cause people to judge us unfavourably.

Or say a friend calls up to cancel something we had planned. We could simply take it as what it is - a cancellation. But no, we'd take it as a consequence of how our friend feels about us. Maybe he or she doesn't want to be around us anymore. Maybe he or she had heard something undesirable about us. Maybe he or she found a more interesting person to be with.

Our ability to make ourselves feel miserable knows no bounds. And it doesn't end with our relations with friends either. A family member or a partner could say or do something to us, which in our view is harsh or insensitive. That's enough fuel for our minds to start thinking "My partner doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he or she is getting bored with me. He or she doesn't care about my feelings. Maybe he or she want to break up with me. Maybe I'll never be able to find love. Maybe, maybe, maybe?"

We waste precious time and energy dreaming up hypothetical situations which most of the time simply aren't true at all. Sometimes, we may unwittingly make them true by behaving jealously, insensitively or unreasonably. An insanely jealous husband or wife may provoke his or her partner into having an affair even though no intention existed previously.

We should recognise such negative thoughts and learn not to let them hold sway over our emotions.

Letting Go Of Revenge

Retaliation is an instinctive response for most people when they suffer an injustice. Even the most peace-loving pacifist experiences some points in life where he or she contemplates the idea of revenge. One may not act upon the thought, but the very idea of "getting back" at someone is enough to rob us of happiness, if it becomes a preoccupation.

The desire for revenge is an obsession, and obsessions pull us away from the most important things in life, like our loved ones, our work, and the enjoyment of all that we have. It prevents us from living fully in the moment because it traps us in a cycle of thinking: "Now, how shall I hurt this person who has hurt me, so that I might feel better?"

The fact is, no one feels better or will benefit after a vengeful act. If someone has done something disrespectful or disdainful enough to upset us, our act of vengeance would have to be just as bad, or worse. Consequently, we lower ourselves to a level where it's difficult to respect ourselves, and our sense of self-worth suffers. In the long run, our souls become pale and sick because we've shut it in a dark room for too long, ignoring the sunshine of forgiveness which exists just outside. As E. H. Chapin once said, "Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares to forgive an injury."

People who focus on revenge don't allow their wounds to heal. They never quite recover from the transgression, because in order to fan the flame of revenge, they have to keep their wounds open? better still, make them bigger and allow them to fester. Old hurts tend to become more and more grievous when we allow them to bubble and boil in our cauldron of resentment.

People with a strong desire for revenge miss out on many good things in life. They often only see the ugly, the unjust, and the irredeemable. They add to the anger and hatred in the world, of which, if you haven't already noticed, we have in great abundance.

Revenge, ultimately achieves nothing. After the act, you might feel "good" for a while, but the thrill wears off. You realise that revenge doesn't heal your grievances. You don't become a better person, in fact, you're just as bad as the person who supposedly wronged you. You realise that while you were contemplating revenge, your relationship with your loved ones and the world had suffered.
Forgiveness is so much easier, and it is so much sweeter than revenge. As Confucius once said, "To be wronged is nothing? unless you continue to remember it."

Recovering After Losing A Loved One

The loss of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences of life. In the aftermath, it's natural and indeed perfectly reasonable to feel negative emotions like sorrow, guilt, anger, and anxiety. During such times, it's essential to restore emotional well-being; to pick up the broken pieces of your life and move on.
If you've recently lost a loved one, by all means, grieve. Many people go into a state of denial after the shock, however the first step in the healing process is to allow yourself to feel the emotions deeply and mourn your loss. What you're going through and feeling, are normal.

During the grieving process, support from other people is vital. Don't attempt to deal with the sorrow alone. Spend time sharing to people who care for you and will empathise with you, like close friends, family members, or members of support groups you might be in or are able to join. If you feel that you really have no one to speak to, keep a journal or diary. Write it out and don't keep your grief unexpressed.

Be kind and compassionate to your body and spirit. Get enough sleep, eat well-balanced meals, and exercise. Exercise produces pleasure-inducing endorphins that facilitate your emotional recovery. Engage in activities that bring your pleasure and laughter, like playing with kids, listening to music, having a hot shower, watching a funny movie, splurging on that luxury you've always wanted, going on a holiday with a friend, and so on. Every little thing or action helps. Give yourself permission and the right to be good to yourself.

Reinvest in relationships. Meet up with a long time friend. Bring a loved one on a holiday. Treat a colleague to whom you've never been close to a meal. Help a stranger. Talk to someone in need. Nothing heals the heart more than expressing love, making peace, building bridges, mending fences, and lending a compassionate ear with a patient heart. During times of loss and grief, we all need to remind ourselves that there are other people we can love and who in turn love and appreciate us.

In the aftermath of losing a loved one, we can either sink in to depression, hatred, and anger, or move towards peace and love. Through our thoughts and actions, we all can bring healing into what little parts of the world we can reach and touch. We all have the opportunity to bring light into this darkness. Do we burn a candle or burn out?

Loving Thy Self

We all want greater happiness. And most of us seek it in things like money, fast love, power, respect, adoration, and career success. But we ultimately realise that the joy we get from these things doesn't last.

How then, can we attain lasting happiness? The key is love - both towards yourself and towards others. Eventually, that's all that's going to matter to you.

Many people don't manage to find self-love, and as a natural consequence, genuine love for others. They spend their entire lives searching for happiness in all the wrong things.

Parents play a critical role in helping to instill a healthy sense of self-worth and self-respect in their children. Through the simplest acts of touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, children come to see their own worth reflected in their parents' eyes. They see themselves as worthy of love.

A child who does not receive this kind of love from their parents may grow up to be insecure, dependent, and fearful. They might develop a self-loathing attitude - consistently blaming themselves, and feeling that they don't deserve happiness. Or they might embark on an impossible quest for perfection - in themselves and in things like a perfect partner, a perfect job, or a perfect amusement. But the results will always be disappointing. The feeling of disappointment and helplessness may lead to physical or emotional violence or addictions to short-term gratifications like alcohol, drugs and sex.

But a negative relationship with your parents doesn't mean all is lost. In many ways, your inner voice is like an extra parent. As you grow older, its influence becomes stronger than your parents. What you tell yourself about yourself shapes your life. Happy and successful people talk lovingly and positively to themselves. Nurture your inner voice to speak with love, respect, optimism and gentleness, and you're on your way to greater happiness.

Chicken Soup For The Heart

How can you prevent heart disease? I'm sure you can think of several ways - exercise regularly, have a low-fat diet, don't smoke, don't consume alcohol in excess. We've been very well-educated in this area. But what you may not realise is the health of our hearts is also intimately connected to the way we think and feel and the quality of our relationships.

Scientists at Yale University looked at the degree of blockages in coronary arteries of 119 men and women and found that those who felt the most loved and supported by significant people in their life, had substantially less blockage in the arteries of their hearts. The researchers discovered that the quality of the relationships in the sense of feeling loved and emotionally supported was a more important predictor of the severity of coronary artery blockages than was the number of relationships a person had.

Here are some ways you can improve the quality of your thoughts and emotions, and accordingly, the health of your heart.

Have a close confidante with which to share your innermost dreams, hopes, worries and fears. This person ideally would be your partner, but it can also be a good friend or relative. Sharing is incredibly freeing; don't let your heart accumulate unspoken burdens.

Give to the community. We all need social contact and caring to survive, and when you share your time and love, your heart is strengthened by feelings of warmth, compassion and goodwill.

Slow down. Society attaches increasing significance to speed - we're taught that we must be faster, leaner, meaner in order to survive in a "dog eat dog" world. While this might bring you more corporate success, it can be detrimental to your heart. So regularly take time to shut out the world, relax and be with yourself. Take time to marvel at nature. Learn to listen, instead of always having your say.

And of course, cultivate mutually-rewarding relationships. Love is not only good for your heart in the emotional sense, it can very well save you from heart disease.

Enhance Life Through Little Acts Of Joys

Just as plants grow towards the sun, human beings are instinctively motivated towards joy. Call it what you want - bliss, happiness, pleasure, delight, rapture; everything we do is an effort to propel ourselves towards this feeling of well-being, peace and satisfaction.

We buy things, we eat the kinds of food we like, we get into relationships, we help people and so on, to be happy. We are happy when the people we love are happy. We become angry, depressed or afraid because we want to be happy; the negative emotions result because of the absence of something that gives us joy.

However, we all know that joy generally doesn't last very long. That's what makes it so precious. A perpetual state of bliss is impossible, (not in this life anyway) so all we can do is to become more aware of the little joys which occur in our lives. Very often, we take these moments for granted and either rush right past them or allow them to pass without fully savouring them.

A smooth drive to work. The crisp, soothing croon coming from a hi-fi set. The smell of clean bedsheets. A satisfying meal. The pitter-patter of rain on a lazy Sunday afternoon. A new book. A cool mug of beer on a hot day. The sound of a cue hitting the ball on a pool table. Babies' laughter. The warmth and aroma of freshly-brewed coffee. Sharing a joke with a friend.

What are the little joys in your life?

Supplement these little joys with the big ones, like giving and receiving affection, helping someone in need, and spending time with our loved ones.

Whatever your little joys are, take time to notice and relish them. Someone once said that life is a series of moments, so make those moments count.

Tolerate No More

Most of us have had this experience - we go to a movie, are absolutely baffled and appalled by how bad it is, yet continue watching it until it's over. I know, it's because we didn't want to judge the film prematurely - even though more than halfway through it was still jaw-droppingly awful, we were still hoping to be surprised, right? We just wanted some validation, no matter how small, that the movie wasn't a complete waste of our money and time, but most of the time, we're disappointed.

It's not too different with the other aspects of our lives; as a person, a father, a wife, a son, a sister, a partner, a colleague or neighbour, what are you putting up with? What kinds of stress are you allowing yourself to take on a regular basis even though you could just stand up and walk away?

Now I'm not knocking the power of perseverance; sticking with a worthy task that's showing improvement, no matter how slow, is admirable. What I'm talking about is putting up with something or someone that's taking a toll on your happiness and success while showing no sign of positive impact.

What are the bad movies in your life that you're not standing up and leaving?

Most of us adopt a passive approach to life - something we don't agree with happens again and again and, ah? we let it pass, we close one eye. I don't mean that we should be intolerant of others; I'm referring to the more personal aspects of our lives; matters that affect us directly - things like our jobs and our relationships, the abuse or unjust treatment that we take day after day because we think that we should accept the results of certain choices we've made.

But just because we've made this choice, does that mean we should accept how it's turned out? Just because we've invested money or time or love, does that mean we have to stick with it regardless of how unhappy it's making us?

Sure, most of us may complain about it, throw the odd tantrum or two, but very few will actually get up and insist on change or leave. Only you will know when the abuse has to stop. Only you will know when a situation has reached a point where the bad feelings will not go away unless something or someone changes or leaves. The sad fact is that most people do nothing, and the bad feelings continue to plague their lives.

When we're in the midst of an irredeemable film, there's often nothing we can do except walk out of the cinema. But very often, when it comes to other issues in our lives - our jobs, our relatives, our friends, or the prejudice we face - we can demand that things change to reflect our rights. We can at the very least make ourselves heard.

Decide for yourself when you're not tolerating it anymore.