Managing Heartbreaks

In the aftermath of a breakup, one of the biggest mis-assumptions we make is that the road has ended for us, well, romantically anyway. We feel that we've lost the one and only love of our lives and that no one else will make us feel the way we did with this person.

Certainly at this point, we're governed more by our hearts than our heads, and the products of our hearts - our emotions - can sometimes grossly miss the mark. All the same, it's completely understandable to feel that you will never find romantic fulfillment again.

This makes us feel and do certain things - we start replaying the good times in our heads, conveniently leaving out the bad memories; we start to imagine that if they only knew we still missed them so badly, they would come back and give it another shot; you try all sorts of ways to tempt them into talking or meeting up, thinking that this will rekindle old flames and happily lead to a lifetime of bliss together.

What this usually does though, is make it harder and harder for you, or both of you, to get over the relationship. The whole thing then becomes a protracted tug-of-war of "not-knowing-when-or-who-or-what-to-believe", also known as sleepless nights wondering "what if" or what it "could've been".

Either that or the phone call or meeting turns ugly, what you get is the opposite of what you expected, and now the relationship is well and truly dead. And smelling like it too, since it wasn't allowed to stay buried. In some cases, what was simply romantic incompatibility turns into hatred and enmity. Now, not only have you lost a partner, you've gained an enemy.

When we don't allow a failed relationship to rest, we usually complicate it further by adding lies, using guilt, tears, threats, memories or shared experiences like friends or businesses. We may even use sex to get the other person back. It usually doesn't work and only serves to make you feel silly and humiliated, but such tactics are only natural? neither of you are thinking clearly.

After a breakup, the best thing to do (though most of us will find it easier squeezing blood from a rock) is to cut off all contact - no "let's be friends" pledges because it almost always backfires, no "it's ok to go out as a bigger group", no emails, no letters, no little "goodwill" presents, no "innocent" visits to the ex's family. We always think so highly of our ability to be gracious and mature following a breakup but we almost always end up acting and feeling childish and shameful.

We'll run through what we should be doing instead after a breakup, in order to heal and move on. Just keep on this blog.