Knowing Your Self Worth (Part 1 of 3)

How easily is your ego bruised? How often do you shy away from social situations? How doubtful are you when it comes to your own opinions and actions? How satisfied are you with who you are and what you have? How harshly do you judge yourself? How often do you look to others for approval? How much love is in your life? How often do you worry?

Sorry if I overwhelmed you with the barrage of questions, but if your lingering sense is that you are generally unsure of yourself and that daily life, social interaction and relationships feel shallow and stressful for you, then perhaps you should try doing something about your self-worthiness.

If you think your self-worthiness is bed-ridden, then stop focusing on anything else. Almost nothing will work out for you if you don't get your self-worthiness up and running again.

You can never be happy by looking to others to validate your existence or value. The essence of self-worthiness is being true to yourself, no matter what you think others might think. No one else on earth is like you and therefore no one else on earth can know or understand you as well as you can. And regardless of what others may tell you about what's behind the door, only you can walk through it and find out for yourself. No one else can be responsible for you. Therefore, the first step to higher self-worthiness is to get to know yourself as well as you can, and to stop depending on the approval of others to fulfill you.

Some people have the misconception that they must suffer in life. They may not put it quite as simply as I have, but the core of the concept is similar. Somehow, they feel that life is suffering, that they must suffer for someone else's happiness, that misery is an essential part of life that must somehow be endured. Again, they feel this way because they do not think very highly of themselves; they feel they do not deserve to happy, that self-punishment is the only right thing to do, the only way they feel alive. That's why many people continue to allow themselves to suffer oppression, mistreatment, disdain and abuse.

Even though many people might say they want love and happiness; they might even pray for these things, but they do not take any real steps towards improving their situation. They continue to lament and wallow in self-doubt and misery, claiming helplessness when in reality, they're fully equipped to make things better anytime.

Be Responsible

How responsible are you for your life? How much power do you have over how you feel? Do you have the authority to respond successfully to what happens to you, even if it initially seems unfortunate?

How happy and successful we are depends pretty much on how empowered we feel we are to deal with life's twists and turns. Life, like the sea, is unpredictable, with its random tides and pernicious storms, but we don't necessarily have to bobble along helplessly. Whatever the direction of the tide, we can always choose to swim against it.

Claiming responsibility for our own lives is staking our ability to respond actively to the world, it's pledging our ability to do, to influence, to act, to change. It refuses to meekly bear or accept whatever is handed to us. When we don't accept responsibility for how we feel or what happens to us, we feel powerless and afraid. But when we claim that responsibility, we take that power to change our lives for the better.

For example, when you say "He made me upset", you're giving that power over your emotions to someone else. This is also known as blaming. When others perceive this kind of passive thinking in you, they very quickly learn to use that power to keep you under their foot. We often also resort to blaming because we feel helpless to change the situation and try to make ourselves feel better by attributing fault to someone or something else. When we shift the responsibility of how we feel to someone else, we're also trying to guilt that person into somehow compensating us for making us feel bad.

In any case, it's a dangerous power game that eventually isolates you from others and leaves you feeling powerless and empty.

Just think of all the times something made you upset and you thought "This is so annoying!" or "That is so frustrating!". Well, why are you choosing to feel annoyed and frustrated? Yes, choosing, because how we feel at any given moment is our own decision to feel that way. Nothing or no one can upset you if you yourself decide not to be upset.

See if you can catch yourself the next time you entertain a disempowering thought - like "She embarrassed me" or "He gets on my nerves!", "This is so infuriating!" or "That is so worrying!". Try asking yourself why you're allowing yourself to feel these negative and debilitating emotions. Take back control over your mind, over your mental state. Why are you allowing someone or something to make you upset? Train your mind to let it go.

Managing Your Mind

Our minds, if left to their own devices, will cause us to live unhappy, unfulfilling lives. This is because they've been conditioned over the years to accept certain beliefs that limit our spiritual growth - things like "not changing is safe", "don't take risks", and "being sure is better than going into the unknown".

This is probably due to our primal instinct for survival. Certainly for a Neanderthal scampering among prehistoric flesh-eating giants, it's probably smarter not to take a different route back to your cave every day. But in today's context, where our daily preoccupation is not hunting for food and avoiding being food, we need more intellectual stimulation to keep our minds and spirits in optimum condition. When we "play it safe" or get into comfortable routines, we grow dull and listless.

The mind is like a child. Its intelligence will always include some primal remnants that equate change to death, discomfort to death, and discipline to death. It must be trained and given guidance by a loving but firm spirit in order to fulfill its true purpose.

For our greater good, we have to let the spirit control the mind. Every week, try adopting one life-enhancing practice consistently. You'll find that when the spirit takes control in these instances that the mind will protest - it will try to persuade you that it's too difficult, that it's better to have things status quo, that you need your fixes to soothe the frustrations of life.

Try out these exercises to train your spirit to control your mind for greater self-enhancement.

1. Take on a small project that requires some level of discipline that you would normally not bring to the table. Complete the project successfully.

2. Eliminate a counter-productive habit that you are addicted to, such as drinking coffee, hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock, not drinking sufficient quantities of water, etc.

3. Read about the true nature of addiction and discover your own and how it is ruining your life then decide, fully aware of the consequences, if you will continue done that path and every time you indulge remind yourself of the consequences you are choosing.

4. Observe other people living chaotic, problematic lives and then own up to where you are also doing the same thing.

Unhealthy Self Judgement Builds Guilt

When we do something that harms someone, we experience a feeling called guilt. This kind of guilt is important to have because it keeps us in check. Otherwise we'd all think nothing of hurting others.

However, the kind of guilt many people experience is of a different and much less positive kind. In fact, you can say it has no rewards at all. This is the kind of guilt that you feel when you have actually done nothing wrong but because of certain born or bred mindsets, you're judging yourself to have been a bad person.

For example, some people feel responsible for all the happiness and unhappiness of their family members. A family member may be feeling needy and is increasingly seeking and wanting more of your assurances and help and time. Now of course you should help your family members but if you feel a deep sense of guilt every time you "weren't there" for example, or said something that appeared to hurt the other person, then you are falsely judging yourself.

You are not wholly responsible for your loved one's state of mind or happiness, although you can play a part. If a loved one becomes testy whenever you aren't able to fulfill a task he or she expected you to do, then you have become a crutch for them. For example, they aren't able to do simple things like calling a service provider or going to the doctor for a minor flu on their own.

When you make yourself wholly responsible for a loved one's happiness and feel guilty whenever you miss the mark, you're also teaching your loved one to be dependent. When this happens, the sense of betrayal just gets stronger and stronger each time you're not able to deliver. Needless to say, this only strains the relationship in the long run.

Now you know that you're not doing anything wrong, or directly damaging, yet you continue to judge yourself whenever others around you get upset. On some level you believe that by accommodating people all the time, you will get their love and acceptance. But it's doesn't work that way. Building up false expectations only builds disappointment and resentment.

Remember, you cannot control others' feelings and behaviour by doing things "right". You shouldn't judge yourself whenever you're unable to do things "right". Fully accept that you can't be wholly responsible for another person's feelings and release the self-judgement and guilt.

Giving Your Children The Ability To Think

Do you find that you have to constantly tell your child what to do? Brush your teeth, clear up your toys, make your bed, finish your homework, put on your shoes, walk on the pavement, don't watch TV too close to the screen and so on? The list can be endless especially if you have a very young child.

As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.

This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?

If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"

Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.

Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.

Measuring Happiness

Happiness is something that most people are concerned about and want. Athenian philosopher Aristotle once said that "Happiness is the end for which human beings are designed."

But, it seems that many people are confused about happiness. Sure, we know that it's important, but it's surprising how many people are not happy and how many are looking for happiness in the wrong places.

Some of us think the more we have the happier we'll be. Think about the times in your life when you bought something because you thought it would make you happy. How long did the joy last? On hindsight, was it really worth the effort and money? There is so much pressure in our culture to buy and to have. But there is a rude awakening to actually attaining the things that you think will make you happy. It is often so disappointing. How many times have you wanted something, only to find once you had it, it didn't give you the joy and happiness that you expected?

Someone else cannot make you happy. One of the myths of our society is that finding the perfect mate will bring perfect happiness. However, people who depend on others for their personal happiness are often bitterly disappointed. True happiness comes from knowing yourself, your values, and what you like to do, not from someone else knowing these things about you.

We also have to understand that happiness is not guaranteed. It is not a right. If we can fully understand this truth, then we'll cherish happiness more when it comes, and grieve less when it goes.

Questions about human happiness are not new; they have been asked throughout time. But no one else can really tell you how to find happiness. Also, what makes you happy changes with time. In reality happiness is a personal thing with as many varieties as there are individuals. The bottom line is that we are all experts on our own personal happiness, no one else holds the key or the answers to it. I would like to end this programme by sharing a statement by Robert Louis Stevenson:

"Make the best of your circumstances, No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. Don't take yourself too seriously. You can't please everybody; don't let your neighbours set your standards, do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt. Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones. Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities, grudges. Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrow and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself. Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy."

Gag The Inner Critic

Critics - can't live with them, some say we can't live without them. After all, they do sometimes provide useful advice. Very often though, our toughest detractors are not other people; our inner critic is usually the harshest of all, and because it's with us all the time, its constant disparagement can break us down and prevent us from achieving our full potential.

Don't underestimate that little voice inside your head that goes "You can't", "You'll fail", or "Don't risk it". Enough hammering and those limiting beliefs will become an inseparable part of you. So how can you make your inner critic shut up? Here are four ways that might help:

Tactic One: Know Your Enemy. In order to fight a good fight, you must spend some time getting to know your own thinking process. What are you saying to yourself? When a great idea pops into your head, what do you do with it? Many people diminish it until the good idea is but a mere memory. So listen close and hear what your personal inner critic sounds like.

Tactic Two: Talk Back. Isn't it strange that we won't accept someone else putting us down, but we are quite content to let our inner critic do us in? Quit being your own worst enemy. When you hear "I can't", disagree immediately!

Tactic Three: Write It Down To Size: Once you have learned to recognize the inner critic, and you've started talking back, keep it in its place by writing it out. This takes a little more time and a little more discipline, but in the long run you will come out ahead. Write down all the icky, finicky, frustrating stuff in your head. Write freely with no editing, no reading, and no rereading. Just get it out. Vent and complain!. Then you'll be rid of the emotional clutter that can keep you from succeeding. And don't stop with just the negative bits. Write out your affirmations as well - your strengths, your blessings, your hopes, your achievements.

Tactic Four: Be Nicer to Yourself: In other words, give yourself permission to be a little insane. Be better to yourself! It's high time you did! Praise yourself, give yourself treats, rewards for good work done, indulge your desires sometimes, look in the mirror and see what a beautiful person you are! Write down ten great things about yourself and read them everyday. Before long, you'll begin to see that you are right. You have amazing potential and superb ideas.

Now, you're the verge of making your dreams a reality.